The Sci-Fi Channel’s film division has certainly
carved itself out a niche, hasn’t it? You can feel
a certain thread that ties together films such as Boa
vs. Python, Supergator, The
Man With the Screaming Brain, Mansquito,
and so on and so on. Though the same companies might
not produce them, every single one of them screams of
one thing, and that is unabashed hucksterism.
Harking back to the glory days of American International
Pictures, Full Moon Video, New World Entertainment and
about a million other small companies trying to make a
buck, Sci Fi Channel’s original films strike me as
being funded by whacked-out, alcoholic businessmen based
solely on a striking name (which, if you weren’t
aware, does not mean it’s necessarily a good title)
and glorious poster art.
Ice Spiders has this sales technique
written allllllllllllll over it. You can taste the mechanical
nature it takes to create such a feature – it doesn’t
take passion, love, and a driving force to create a film
like Ice Spiders, you think up a series
of gags and then lightly wrap an inconsequential plot around
it. Nobody slaved away on a dream and a prayer to get Ice
Spiders made. I’m not putting this approach
down at all; a lot of fun films have come off the production
line, but Ice Spiders is not one of them.
In fact,  Ice Spiders conforms to most
of the output that resulted in this style of filmmaking:
a disappointing movie that doesn’t quite deliver
what the cover art promises.
When he’s not attempting to hit on super scientist
April Summers (Vanessa Williams, clearly picked by the
same guys who cast Tara Reid in Alone in the Dark),
Dash Dashiell spends most of his time either teaching the
rich and overprivileged how to ski, or mourning his past.
You see, Dash could have made it to The Olympics if it
weren’t for that pesky skiing accident that left
him with titanium in his leg – surprisingly enough
a plot point that never pays off.
 But don’t worry. Dash and April’s lives get
much more interesting when the secret project April was
working on escapes from the lab and kills everything in
its path. If you haven’t managed to guess, the secret
project consists of spiders, six of ‘em. Huge, nasty
bastards that scurry around making high-pitched, goofy
noises. At what point was it decided in the popular culture
that giant spiders made high-pitched, goofy noises, by
the way? Tiny spiders, they’re silent, stealthy even.
But you dose them with radiation and they sound like Howie
Mandel eating a sandwich – it’s very unpleasant
to listen to.
Originally bred in an underground test facility in order
to bring non-lethal weapons and armor to the army via their
silk, the evil Dr. Barnes pumps the spiders up further
than originally planned, pissing the spiders off something
fierce. And from there we go through the motions – spiders
picking off people skiing, awkward political messages,
and enough crummy CGI spider attacks to keep interest afloat.
 That’s my contentions with the film. Even with
the Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie banner across the film
which instantly tells its audience “Aim low,” the
CGI spiders are still absolute terrible. It almost feels
wrong to get riled up over the quality of animation in
the movie, but goddamn it, I’ll go there: there has
been absolutely no attempt to inject any sort of realism
into these creatures. Nothing connects, there’s no
weight, and each spider has that computer sheen to it.
Every once in awhile the film brings out a puppet to throw
at a character, and that’s when things perk up. Unfortunately,
these scenes are few and far between.
 As much as I hate to use the phrase “critic-proof,” Ice
Spiders pretty much falls under that label. It’s
stupid, and saying anything bad about it becomes absolutely
pointless. You know Ice Spiders isn’t
highbrow. You probably couldn’t even call Ice
Spiders lowbrow. In fact, I haven’t told
you much of anything about the film, but by reading this
review you have already seen Ice Spiders.
Is there a way I can phone this review in even harder?
Presentation
NOTE: I have received what seems to be a bugged screener,
which features a poodle-shaped blip that lasts for a frame
or two on the print. Therefore, I cannot say that this
portion of the review will be wholly accurate with what
actually hits the stands. Remember kids, don’t pirate
films unless you know that no one is going to find out,
and even then you probably shouldn’t do it because
it’s wrong. You’ll grow hair on your palms.
Stop it.
 Ice Spiders, while not the best looking
film in the world, is presented in a very good transfer,
with dirt and grain virtually nonexistent. Colors seem
accurate, and the sharpness comes across well enough to
really expose how jarringly disconnected The CGI is from
the characters. The audio brings the appropriate amount
of activity when the spiders come a’crawlin’,
though you’re not going to be too impressed with
its range. All together, the presentation is above average
from what you expect of a small, no-budget picture aimed
for television viewing.
 Extras
The only thing you’re getting out of this release
is a collection of trailers for other direct-to-video
flicks, but there are two worth mentioning, one being
for the jaw-dropping-for-all-the-wrong-reasons Spiderman
3, and the Resident
Evil: Resurrection Edition collection, which
has Milla Jovovich in it, and therefore is a viewing requirement by
our standards here at  .
Overall
Ice Spiders isn’t going into your
collection unless it’s in a $5 cutout bin or on television
for free. And I’d say that’s about as much
entertainment value you’re going to get out of the
film. It’ll give you something to do for 86 minutes,
but you’re not going to feel too good about yourself
after the credits roll. If I had to create a scale to grade Ice
Spiders on, it would go from meh to meh?
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