| Here's the thing about Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull: it is as welcome as it is completely and utterly unnecessary. I am, of course, speaking from a non-dedicated fan perspective - I understand that some people have been waiting for nigh two decades for the latest installment in the franchise but I could take or leave IJATKOTCK's entire existence as a concept. I'm okay with the original trilogy, I enjoy the original trilogy. I like the idea of seeing more of Indy on the screen, but I'm not lubing myself up with my own saliva over it. Now part 4 has rolled along and… Hooboy.
Even as an unwarranted cash-in on a much-beloved franchise, this film is a dud. Crystal Skull, after a long planning period (Spielberg and Lucas had been seriously hammering out the details as early as '95 or so), still manages to come off as not an actual sequel to the Indiana Jones franchise, but as a delirious sort of fan fiction. We've got a Science Fiction element wildly inconsistent with the rest of the series, a banking-on-fan-nostalgia factor by bringing Raiders veteran Karen Allen back (were fans really begging for this?), the Mary Sue-esque new, cool, young, hip Shia LaBeouf hanging around ruining up the movie, who - fucking surprise! - turns out to be the son of Indiana Jones (spoiler alert), “cute” callbacks to the previous films and, worst of all, a mouth widening “happy ending” that ties everything together. At the end of the day, the world is  safe, the bad guys lose, and Indiana Jones finally realizes his love of Marion Ravenwood, and they actually end the film with a fucking marriage.
Now, I should point out this is not the ravings of a dedicated fan boy, this is purely from a cinematic standpoint. Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull is infuriating. Let's not even bring up the prairie dogs - they're nothing in comparison to scene after scene of Shia LaBeouf getting hit in the crotch with various objects, from trees to his own fists. This is sub vaudeville. The idea that Shia LaBeouf turns out to be the out-of-wedlock lovespawn of Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood just might be the worst step of the film - not because Shia LaBeouf is the worst human being on earth (trust me, this is scientific fact), but because it's terrible writing. There's a scene where Indiana Jones Jr. actually befriends a gang of tree monkeys who then attack Cate Blanchett. This will give anyone with a thought in their head Bell's palsy.
 Complain all you want about CGI animation, CGI isn't what sunk Indiana Jones. It was the story.
Oh shit, I haven't even summarized the story, have I? Indiana Jones goes searching for a crystal skull in order to prevent Russians (spearheaded by Cate Blanchett as Natasha Fatale) from unlocking the secrets of Akator, A.K.A. El Dorado. But what the film is really about is a series of scenes where the characters fall down. They fall into a sand trap, they fall down not one, not two, but three waterfalls, they fall down into the pit of Akator, and, just to switch things up a bit, get shot out of a water trap so they can fall to the ground. It's like Sideshow Bob's rake scene on The Simpsons, only played sincere.
 The crystal skull turns out to be not just a simple archaeological crowning jewel, but the skull of an actual alien, who, along with its inter-dimensional comrades have bestowed the El Dorado locals with unparalleled technological know-how, which is the main selling point for the Russians, who want to use their power for mind control in... Something or other… I know it's really evil, right? Has to be. But don't worry - Indiana Jones is on the way to beat the bad guys and disappoint everyone - not just the fans waiting 18 years - with this clunker.
 Presentation
Though Spielberg and company insist that they tried their best to match Crystal Skull with the previous three films, mainstay cinematographer and director of Lost Souls Janusz Kamiński shot the film which means… It looks like a Janusz Kamiński-shot film. The DVD presentation isn't the problem here - Kamiński, while I appreciate his work from time to time, doesn't fit the material - his blown-out, dustbowl aesthetic is dull, smeary and does no service to the stage-like nature of the shoot. The visual part of the DVD is a decent representation of Kamiński's misfire. The only thing in Skull that matches its predecessors is the bombastic, action-packed score, dominated by gunshots, fistfights and John Williams' signature pomposity.
There's a man who comes into where I work named John Williams, and I want to punch him by association.
Extras
Steven Spielberg might not be a fan of commentaries, but he sure does pack his special editions with enough documentaries that you won't care what he thinks about the subject of DVD extras at the end of your viewing experience. But be warned, as every single feature spread across these two discs is soaking in John Williams' score. Not a second goes by without a note of music obtruding over everything. It's literally a solid two to three hours of distracting music over interviews, behind-the-scenes footage and special effects montages. While it won't affect my opinion of the extensive and overall interesting bonus features, my overall reaction to this is to track down Laurent Bouzereau and punch him in the ass.
 Indiana Jones And The Kingdom can be purchased in a few configurations: there is the standard one-disc edition, which comes with The Return of a Legend and Pre-Production featurettes, or you can opt out for the lavish two-disc special edition which include a feature-length production diary (Making Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull), another collection of featurettes (Warrior Makeup, The Crystal Skulls, Iconic Props, The Effects of Indy, and Adventures in Post-Production), and three Pre-Visualization Sequences make up the bulk of the second disc. The “lesser” features include the extensive Galleries broken up into a million tiny sub-categories that offer a look at a much better movie than what we actually ended up getting and a selection of Theatrical Trailers.
Oh, and an XBox 360 demo for the upcoming Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures video game. As I am not 12-years-old, I do not own an XBox.
 The best feature actually lands itself on disc one, as The Return of a Legend is an honest look at the 18-year gestation Kingdom Of The went through to get to the silver screen. Spielberg comes out the “winner” as he is adamant throughout the feature that every idea thrown at him was terrible, and that he wanted no part in the making of the film to begin with whatsoever. Quotation marks around “winner” are important as he ended up making the goddamn film anyway.
Minus the overbearing musical score pumping throughout, each bonus feature is worth exploring, which is becoming a rarity these days when it comes to DVD bonus features.
The Bottom Line
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull is quite a conundrum: aimed at adults nostalgic for the original trilogy and containing anachronistic throwbacks only they would understand, yet containing a story with humor aimed at five-year-olds, the film manages to satisfy no one outside of the mindlessly dedicated. See it as a curiosity, but stick to the originals, kids!
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