What happens when children grow up and their heroes grow older? Well, Jim Broadbent’s line of, “We seemed to have
reached the age where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away” from Indiana Jones And The
Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull pretty much sums up the entire fourth installment of the popular franchise.
Like all red-blooded male children of the 80s, Indiana Jones was nothing short of a hero for us all, and he was quite
possibly the greatest cinematic icon of adventure that had graced the silver screen in decades. His origins can be
construed as either a palpable rip-off or as an honorable homage to the bygone age of Saturday Matinee Serials when
fedora-clad adventurers roamed the concealed jungle infernos abroad and the infernal concrete jungles at home; saving
the world from every type of evil, from Nazis and foreign spies to evil tyrants and hooded nemeses.
But, by the time the Serial reached the Atomic Age, things changed. Much like the new assortment of onscreen heroes
were finding themselves terrorized week after week by the perils of Nuclear weaponry, theater owners were being
threatened by another new evil: television. Desperate to compete against the free entertainment that TV provided, the
Serial suddenly became silly (or sillier, if you will), and the once-menacing Nazis were replaced with (of all things)
extraterrestrial beings from outer space.
Hence is the case with Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, a rather repugnant combination of
genre odds and ends that resembles the end result of a very bored bartender’s attempt at making the ultimate cocktail
by tossing a jigger of everything he can find on the shelf into a shaker and then blending the shit out of it.
Instead of our archaeological hero dashing about the globe in search of religious relics and combating Axis Agents of
Evil throughout, Indy battles Soviet Communists over the skull of an alien critter. Now, I’m not a religious person, and
I certainly do not doubt the possibility of life on other planets, but combining both the Ark of the Covenant and the
Holy Grail with aliens (or “interdimensional beings” as the film briefly describes them) in the same franchise is
something of a conundrum…kind of like making a Manhattan with tequila.
A bit older and perhaps a little the worse for wear, Harrison Ford returns to the role that made him an International star
(or was it the character of Han Solo the one that made his famous?…I can never remember…either way, the faithful
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this!” line from the Star Wars universe is uttered here) as the courageous tenured
professor. This time though, he’s joined by Mutt Williams, his bastard son with Raiders Of The Lost Ark heroine
Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen, who also returns), played to the hilt by that Shia Le Beef kid from Transformers (which is another prime example of how Steven Spielberg has lost his mind). Ray Winstone (who yells “Jonsey!” as
frequently as “I am Beowulf!”) co-stars as Indy’s former ally (Indy worked undercover at some point) who can’t make
up his mind if he’s good or evil and John Hurt mumbles a lot while Cate Blanchett turns in a surefire Razzie Award-winning performance as the bad guy.
Remember how director Steven Spielberg said something to the effect of, “Oh, no, I’m not going to use a lot of CGI…I
plan on using the old fashioned techniques!”? Bullshit. Special Defects would be a more apt description of the Visual
Effects used in Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (an old pun, but one that I am particularly
fond of using nonetheless). Some of the effects come off decently enough, but moments like the jungle chase sequence
(in which foliage seems to blend in with the actors and props and Mutt’s legs suddenly grow longer à la Inspector
Gadget!) will have even the most forgiving viewers shaking their heads in disbelief.
Script-wise, writers George Lucas, Jeff Nathanson (who penned the Rush Hour and Speed sequels FYI), and David
Koepp (who has a history of hits and misses) have done little other than taken the same scripts from the first and third Indy films, combined them, and included numerous puns and references to the 50s (e.g. LaBeouf’s straight-out-of-The
Wild One introduction). What puzzles me is that Harrison Ford wasn’t pleased with previous ideas and drafts of the
script…makes you wonder what those must have been like! It’s easy to see why Sean Connery didn’t opt to come out
of retirement for this outing and thus, Indy’s father is deceased here (note that the filmmakers were so lazy that they
took images of both Connery and the late Denholm Elliott directly from The Last Crusade instead of brushing up on
their Photoshop skills!).
I really cannot (nor do I feel like) hating on this tired tripe any longer: I was disappointed when I saw this film at a
midnight showing when it was initially released, and I’m still not a fan. Hell, not even the weird placement of the
Wilhelm Scream helped any (although my son and I cracked up big time over that).
Presentation
No matter how bad it is, this is the first Indiana Jones film on Blu-ray, folks, so that much in itself will probably be
enough for you to go out and buy it…and, whether you buy it or rent it, you won’t be disappointed with Paramount’s
transfer! The 1080p/AVC MPEG-4 encode (some techie stuff there, but people appreciate it) is visually and aurally
appealing in almost every aspect, from the 2.4:1 widescreen picture’s vibrant colors and highly-detailed presentation to
the roarin’-and-a-rumblin’ 5.1 Dolby TrueHD soundtrack.
Additional French and Spanish DD5.1 soundtracks are also included on the 25gb disc along with Subtitles in English,
English (SDH), French, Spanish, and Portuguese.
Extras
Good news if you’re a Special Features nut, this 2-Disc Special Edition is loaded with ‘em. Disc One’s Extras include
the (BD-only) Interactive Indiana Jones Timelines, giving the viewer a chance to scroll through various timelines of
the film’s creation (History, Production, and Story); Featurettes The Return Of A Legend (17:34) and Pre-Production (11:44); the Teaser Trailer (1:52) that gave us all a pretty good indication of how bad the movie would be; and the
regular Theatrical Trailer (1:55) that I never saw. Oddly enough, the Trailers are labeled as “Theatrical Trailer 2” and
“Theatrical Trailer 3”.
Disc Two’s goodies being with Production Diary: Making Of ‘Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull’ (1:20:52), which is
divided into several parts, Shooting Begins: New Mexico, Back To School: New Haven, Connecticut, Welcome To The
Jungle: Hilo, Hawaii, On-Set Action, Exploring Akator, and Wrapping Up!; and the Behind-the-Scenes Featurettes Warrior Make-up (5:34), The Crystal Skull (10:10), Iconic Props (9:59), The Effects Of Indy (22:42), Adventures In
Post-Production (12:44), and Closing: Team Indy (3:41). Three Pre-Visualization Sequences are also offered: Area 51
Escape (3:51), Jungle Chase (5:47), and Ants Attack (4:29).
Rounding up Disc Two are several Galleries for The Art Department, Stan Winston Studio, Portraits, and Behind-the-Scenes Photographs.
All Special Features are presented in High Def with English 2-Channel sound and optional Subtitles in English,
French, Spanish, and Portuguese.
The Bottom Line
An empty entry in the series that starts off OK but is soon utterly bogged down by a weak script, shitty FX, half-assed
performances and an extensive use of gophers as comic relief.
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