| I have such a hard time taking JAG seriously, especially when the characters of the show say JAG immediately
followed by the word “on” -- I fully expect them to say “Jag off”.
By no strange amount of coincidence, a “jagoff” is exactly the definition I would assign to JAG’s creator, Donald P.
Bellisario. Sure, he may have brought us far-superior (not to mention, watchable) television classics such as Magnum P.I. and Quantum Leap, but I should like to point out that the good Mr. Bellisario is also the brain
behind another Military Mystery series, the equally appalling NCIS (which is a spin-off of JAG… go figure).
GOOD GOD, MAN… LET IT GO, ALREADY!! Who do you think you are? Jerry Bruckheimer? Even his TV
projects aren’t this bad!
I remember the first time I saw JAG… I was employed as a bartender at the time, and it was somewhere around the
same time NBC Execs finally got wise and pulled the plug on the show once and for all. Initially, I thought it was a
cheaply-made commercial for a credit card or something, and my query of “What the fuck is this shit?” (a common
utterance of mine that has resulted in many an upset employer or customer) was answered by my friend/supervisor.
JAG!, he said… in an indescribable manner that almost made me feel I like an idiot for not watching the USA
Network 24/7 like my then-colleague did. “This is a real show?”, I asked. “Yeah, it’s been on for a long time!”, I was
told.
 Indeed it was on the air for a long time… ten years, in fact… which just goes to show that not all long-lasting television
series are good ones.
If you took the absurd gung-ho cocky attitude of Top Gun, the incompetent courtroom melodrama from Body Of
Evidence, let it simmer on low with several spoonfuls of daytime soap opera programming, and garnished it with a
heaping amount of disgustingly over-patriotic flair, you would wind up with JAG: Judge Advocate General -- a
title that just screams “We need something with an acronym, pronto! I don’t care how dumb it sounds or how truly
stupid it will be!”
And man, oh man, is JAG ever stupid. It physically hurts me to watch or even talk about this show. It’s that bad.
I’ve seen Euro-horror/porno pictures from Joe D’Amato that had better acting, better storylines, and better-looking bad
actors. You know how most every other TV show deliberately hires “pretty” people in order to boost their ratings with
the self-centered audiences such shows attract? Well, JAG didn’t need to rely on attractive people to appeal to its
audience -- because demographics proved that most or all of JAG’s viewers had either a) no self esteem, b) no taste, c) no true conception of what talent may actually be, and/or d) frontal lobe damage.
 Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an ensemble of men and women this ugly (well, not since high school, that is).
First off, there’s the incredibly large-chinned David James Elliott: not a bad-looking fellow, actually, but he’s, well, Canadian (way to make a patriotic pro-American statement: hire a Canuck as your lead). Then there’s Catherine Bell,
the cross-eyed female lead: she’s not bad-looking, either, but her “I’m a bad-ass chick” acting skills downright suck.
Next up, the fat, droopy guy: Patrick Labyorteaux -- who slept with the producer in order to get his part. John M.
Jackson comes in fourth place, followed by Karri Turner and Season 7 newcomer, Scott Lawrence (whose only claim
to fame is voicing Darth Vader in Star Wars video games).
And don’t forget the character names: Cmdr. Harmon “Harm” Rabb, Jr., Lt. Col. Sarah “Mac” MacKenzie, Adm.
Albert Jethro “A.J.” Chegwidden, Gunnery Sgt. Victor “Gunny” Galindez, Kal-El Coppola, Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel, Patrick Labyorteaux… oh, wait, that last name wasn’t
fictitious, it’s the name of the fat guy from the show.
Oh, the pain.
 Presentation
No matter how much JAG may suck (and it does, just for clarification), you can’t argue that it doesn’t look good on
DVD. “JAG: Judge Advocate General” -- The Seventh Season comes to DVD courtesy the fine folks at
CBS/Paramount in a 5-Disc set which sports all 24 Episodes. The episodes are presented in 1.78:1 ratios with
anamorphic enhancement and the visual quality on them is exceptional. The only audio option with this release is an
English Stereo soundtrack. No Subtitles are included, but Closed Captioning is available.
Extras
Fortunately for me, the only Special Features included with this set were just some Promos for other CBS/Paramount
titles.
The Bottom Line
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
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