Think back, dear reader. Think back to those lazy Sunday afternoons.
Before the age of DVD, before VCRs got really big, and before
most of you fuckers, I’m sure, were even born. The television
is glowing that glow it glows, while the closing credits from Bugsy Malone roll up the screen. Primarily
focused on trying to re-rubber band your Destro at the waist,
you only half hear the announcer proclaim in his deep throated
voice, “Up next on the Sunday Afternoon Movie, ‘The
Thing With Two Heads.’”
THE THING WITH TWO HEADS!!??
Man! This sounds AWESOME!!! You say to yourself. Screw Destro.
My parents…erm… Santa will just get me a FOURTH
one for Christmas ‘cause he always buys me the same
damn figures over and over again, anyway. Who really needs
SIX Twin Pod Cloud Car pilots? WOW. The Thing With
Two Heads. Has there ever been a movie title in the
history of cinema that so captured my adolescent imagination
so specifically? This will surely be one of those movie experiences
that will define my movie tastes for years to come. Or something
like that. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. For all your expectations
and dreams are shattered when you find yourself sitting on
a moist puddle of disappointment when The Thing With
Two Heads turns out to be some pudgy black fella’
and some stupid old guy arguing about stuff and NOT some cheap
but cool-looking rubber monster.
I think Bruce Campbell never got over the same
disappointment. Scarred for life, he gives us Man
With the Screaming Brain, and directs/co-writes his
way to the same brand of letdown. Shame, that.
Ash plays William Cole, a US capitalist with
a capital “ist.” On a business trip to scenic
Bulgaria, he ends up getting himself offed by some wacky gypsy
that likes to seduce and kill. Enter a mad scientist played
by Stacey Keach and his HIGH-larious US slang-talkin’
assistant Ted Raimi. They’ve “perfected”
a process of brain smooshing, and opt to repair some of his
gray matter with that of an ex-KGB cab driver, who was also
murdered by the same woman. Now Cole walks around with a big-assed
scar on his forehead and a Bulgarian cabbie in control of
half his body. Hilarity in All of Me sized
portions ensues, as this dynamic duo tracks down their murderess.
I love Bruce Campbell. Let me get that out of
the way. I know it ain’t a unique geek stance, but I
don’t care. The guy’s cool. That’s why it
physically  pained
me to sit through a movie that was so damned awkward. From
the visual style, to the script, to the acting… nothing
worked. I’m stumped. Brucie has worked side-by-side
with some of the most visually interesting directors out there:
Raimi, Carpenter, The Coen Bros; but nothing appears to have
rubbed off. This movie has all the visual panache of a Power
Rangers episode. Maybe in more deft hands, this would
have been one hell of a cool, but odd, little movie; but it
all comes off like a made for Sci Fi Channel Saturday night
movie, which is appropriate I guess, since they funded it
in the first place.
Like The Thing With Two Heads,
the movie doesn’t live up to the title. Instead of a
‘50s flavored concoction with the wit of today, we get
a stillborn mess. Campbell makes so many statements against
capitalism within the first 20 minutes that I was expecting
a point eventually. Nope. He was just a loud American with
a bad mustache. I can get that on Fox News. Perhaps, since Evil Dead 2, the poor guy has just been trying his
damnedest to come up with a project that displayed his talent
for making his hand look like someone else was controlling
it. Not a whole lot of clever here. Just some mugging and
poorly executed attempts to be offbeat.
 Of
course, the biggest kick in the butt is that the Palmerlime
of today can easily sit back and dig The Thing With
Two Heads for all the goofy cheap-o ‘70s message
film-ness that it is. I have since come to terms with Misters
Milland and Grier and I no longer wish they were poorly made
rubber suits when I catch them on the tube. I can only hope
Mr. Campbell has now exorcised this same disappointment.
How Does It Look,
Smartguy?
1:77 Anamorphic Widescreen at your service, folks, and
it’s a nice one. Image wise, Anchor Bay had some missteps
in the past, but they seem to be churning out quality again
these days. Solid.
How's It Sound, Ya Bum?
Dolby Digital English 5.1 Surround and English 2.0 Surround.
Not a very active movie to keep the ears in shape, but they
did well with what they were given.
You Think I Just
Wanted The Movie, Pal?
A decent amount of extras here:
An AUDIO COMMENTARY by the producer and Bruce Campbell,
himself. I always liked commentaries with Campbell, and he
still doesn’t disappoint. Better than the movie, actually.
There is a MAKING OF DOCUMENTARY called Brain Surgeons:
Making the Screaming Brain.
A FEATURETTE called Neurology: Evolution of the
Screaming Brain.
A STORYBOARD GALLERY.
A COMIC BOOK ART GALLERY. Yup. There is a Dark Horse
comic adaptation.
PHOTO GALLERIES.
And a BRUCE CAMPBELL BIO if you happen to be unaware that he starred in the Evil
Dead films.
Bring Us On Home,
Brother
Maybe I was expecting too much here. I dunno. After Campbell’s
impressive turn as Elvis in the perfectly odd Bubba-Ho-Tep,
I was hoping that he’d be on a roll. But after the dreadful Alien Apocalypse, and now this, I’m
afraid his cool is sliding again. If you must experience All
Things Bruce, it’s not torture to sit through or anything.,
it’s just I’d prefer to see Bugsy Malone again.
|
