I’m sorry, but I feel the need to start out
this review with a series of apologies.
I’m sorry to  . I wasted our owner’s time
and effort by carelessly requesting a copy of Married… With
Children – The Complete Seventh Season, knowing damn full
and well that I was going to hate it.
I’m sorry to myself, for setting aside time from my life that
I could be doing any number of things in order to write this review.
There are thousands of DVDs I could be watching, I could be communing
with my fellow nerds owning bitches in Halo 3. I could be exercising,
cleaning my house, masturbating – anything.
I’m sorry to my readers who might actually be interested in reading
about the particular merits of the seventh season of Married… With
Children over previous ones. I don’t really have much
to go off of since I haven’t seen a lot of prior seasons (Thankfully!)
and I’m not about to start now.
 Yes, the readers especially I’m sorry for. I have never done
this before in my writing career, but I didn’t watch every
episode. I’ve listened to both commentary tracks on She’s
the Man. I’ve braved the depths of many forgettable
low-budget horror flicks, and even a few that featured the Misty
Mundae brand. I’ve
watched every single feature on every single DVD, and I’ve never
written a word of any review until I completed every minute of
content.
Until now. I skipped most of the second disc in this set. I did it
for my health. I’m sorry.
Married… With Children was never a great show.
Despite the incredible ratings, and an incredibly long run, the program
rarely departed from covering the same ground. The Bundy’s are
poor. Al (Ed O’Neill) hates his job. Peg (Katey Sagal) stays at
home and spends Al’s money without ever doing so much as cook.
Bud (David Faustino) can’t get laid to save his life and Kelly
(Christina Applegate) is the town’s bicycle and as dumb as they
come. The dog Buck has a depressed inner monologue which the audience
is exposed to, and their financially better off neighbors Marcy (Amanda
Bearse) and Jefferson (Ted McGinley) come over just to make Al’s
life hell. The Bundys hate each other, but they love each
other. They were the picturesque prime-time portrait of the dysfunctional
American family. So beat that into your skull for six fucking years to
prepare yourself for the seventh season.
 In the backyard dice game at Fox, the reigning champion of horrible
idea man that forgot both the situation and comedy in the MWC sitcom
finally lost to some new jackass with a bright idea. Because of this,
the Bundy’s got a new family member and shit went even more downhill – fast.
The seventh season introduced us to Seven (Shane Sweet), the illegitimate
child of Bobcat Goldthwait who is left with the Bundys to care for in
the season’s premiere. Believe me, I understand the need to spice
up a stale dish, but they got the worst character and the worst actor
in Seven. Seven is an obnoxious little bastard that manages to steal
the limelight away from the rest of the cast for the episodes he is in.
Peg takes an immediate motherly liking to him, with disregard to her
other kids. The reasons why go unexplored, but not unnoticed by the characters
themselves thusly taking an interesting angle and not bothering to do
anything with it humorously or dramatically. Seven was never more than
a device, and the device apparently was used to alienate even the shows
fans.
 Thankfully, the producers started noticing that the shows fans weren’t
feeling this cocky kid’s late addition to a family they already
knew very well. The character was pulled completely after only appearing
in 12 episodes (the 18th episode in a season of 26). I remember this
episode fondly, for it featured a semi-fun imagined pirate sequence where
Al and Peg dress up in period costumes and Jefferson does a great Errol
Flynn bit. Why might this particular episode be memorable? Well there
are three reasons. It features the reappearance of David Garrison, the MWC alumni
that used to play Marcy’s first husband Steve. He was a fun character
that worked well against Al. Losing him was a huge detriment to the show.
The second reason is that I ate two delicious tacos and was reading the
Tekkonkinkreet manga. Finally, the last appearance of Seven has absolutely
no resolution to the character’s arc. He’s simply gone in
the following episode.
 Anyway, despite the glaring plot holes, the later episodes (which I
did watch) are more enjoyable, if more of the same. The amusing “Go
for the Old” follows Al preparing for an athletics competition
for senior citizens. “Un-Alful Entry” is an unusually great
episode where Al gets sued by a burglar that he takes down entering his
house. The final punchline is great. “Old Insurance Job” is
a reasonably entertaining story of jerking off an insurance company when
Al’s car gets stolen.
Still, when the majority of your best episodes are only passably entertaining,
you’re not worth revisiting. MWC was never good, and overall, its
seventh season is horrid thanks to the addition of Seven.
 The DVD Presentation
The first thing that those unfortunate enough to be watching this will
realize is that the quality screams “direct from VHS recording.” There
are some tracking issues at the top of the screen, and the video is soft
and fuzzy. This release was no one’s labor of love. The audio comes
through so you can clearly hear the plot repetition. Still, you aren’t
likely to be excited about the presentation, especially since the theme
song has been removed from the show and replaced with a MIDI instrumental
that only vaguely resembles “Love & Marriage.” This is
even more annoying than you would expect. Thankfully, it can be skipped.
But what do you care? I imagine if you are dropping $30 bones for this
that your standards are probably pretty low anyway.
And the Extras Are?
Previews –
There are some promo spots on the 3rd disc for Seinfeld – Season
Nine, The King of Queens, a general DVD promo for “Great
TV Families”, and the new special edition DVD of Meatballs.
 Other than this, you get nothing. I can’t say I’m too disappointed.
The Bottom Line
I admit that as a youngster I used to watch this show and even enjoy
it. But wow, what a difference 15 years makes. Married… with
Children – The Complete Seventh Season is crap on skates
and I feel comfortable saying this, because I know that the only
people on this planet that are going to be purchasing this are
the douchebags that purchased the last six seasons. (Note: Purchasing Season
Four alone is completely forgivable). If you’re that
guy, I couldn’t stop you if I tried. If you’re not that guy,
give yourself a pat on the back.
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