Somewhere there is a world that gives a shit about The Little Indie Movie That Could, where sappy, melodramatic bullshit is embraced and gosh-darnit it yer tellin’ an earnest story there, chief, so we’re going to pat you on the back and tell you how great you are is the rule of the day. A world in which the best films are those that deal with little-delved into topics such as coming of age, friendship, growing up, and leaving those you care about. You know, just some small town kids in a small town world, living their small town lives.

But what-fucking-ever, ‘cause this ain’t that world. “Hey, look at me, telling nice stories about teenagers doing, like, teenage things. Coming of age, man. You never forget those times. You can, like, never have enough coming of age films man.” Sometimes people make a war. Don’t know what it’s for. (Business.)

See, the thing is, I lived in a rotten little town, small town life, not rural, maybe, but small enough. I know the score.

No, that’s a lie. It wasn’t a rotten little town, it was a very good town for the most part populated with decent people. There were woods. We’d play guns in the woods and hunt turtles at the creek. We had good times; good friends. And this film touches on that. But look, the thing is, though, the kids who were chewing tobacco at the age of 14 were dirtbags. And you know what else? They remain dirtbags to this very day. That’s how you can tell. The chewing tobacco.

Okay, so in Our Very Own a starlet is returning to her native town. A real starlet, no less, Sondra Locke, who is a starlet because she was fucking Clint Eastwood. You may remember her from The Outlaw Josey Wales and from fucking Clint Eastwood. So Locke, she’s coming to lit’le ol’ Shelbyville, a small town in which Earnest Kids with Hopes And Dreams have Emotions and share Moments That Will Change Them Forever.

Can you hear The Voice?

In a world where five teens. Live in a small town. And Sondra Locke. Who fucked Clint Eastwood. Comes back to Shelbyville. Not the Shelbyville from the Simpsons. The other one. In Tennessee. A summer will change their lives. And leave them with memories. They will never forget. CUE MUSIC. CUE GIANT ROBOTS. CUE FAST CUTS. CUT SPOILERS INSERTED RIGHT INTO THE TRAILER. “Directed by Michael Bay. No, wait, sorry. Directed by Some Other Guy.”

In my small town there was this fella named Eddie. I can’t give you his last name on account of he’ll sue me for telling this story, but Eddie would eat and drink anything you asked him to. Anything. He’d drink motor oil straight from the bottle. Swear to god! Motor oil! He ate nuts and bolts pulled off a bicycle. I wasn’t there for this one, but I heard he ate roadkill right off the street, didn’t cook it or nothin’, just, WHOMP, ate a piece of dead animal. I think it was a raccoon. Might have been a squirrel. Eddie punched me once. Actually, make that twice. We slept with the same girl.

None of the kids in Our Very Own eat roadkill, which is kind of screwed up because if you’re telling me they don’t eat roadkill in Shelbyville, Tennessee, where DO they eat roadkill? Seems to me that would be roadkill-eating central, no? I mean, roadkill. Understand?

Which reminds me, this movie does not have Speak the Hungarian Rapper on the soundtrack, which is kind of bullshit if you ask me, because Speak gave a shout out to his Black Brothers and we have to catch the bad man. Stop the war. World is big. Business. I bet they could have had Speak score this whole film for about thirteen bucks. How can you pass up an opportunity like that? The answer is, you can’t.

In summary, Our Very Own is a heartwarming film that will bring back warm, fond memories of those wonderful, forever elusive teenage years, days when time stands still and tomorrow is still forever away. It’s a beautiful little picture with wider appeal than its indie roots would suggest, and will be especially appealing for those who know and love small town life.

Disc Presentation
The Autobots looked dope as shit but I’ve got to say, the design on the Decepticons sucked ass. Megatron was pretty cool, but the rest of them? I couldn’t tell WHAT the fuck they were supposed to be. The fights were way too chaotic, too, never letting the audience really take in and understand the action. Megan Foxx was hot as fuck, though, and you’d better believe that I’d pay $75 (or more!) to tap that ass like Gene Kelly taps the floor (which is to say, a lot, and really fast, and I’d be done in two minutes 32 seconds). Fuck that girl is fine. I mean, FUCK is that girl FINE.

In summary, Our Very Own is a clean looking film that looks like its $2.4 million budget yet doesn’t suffer for it. This very nice transfer makes this small film look pretty darn good. Driven by dialogue, the audio track is warm and clear, not at all muffled. It’s low-key – this is a small, character-driven film, after all – but then, you shouldn’t be worrying about 7.1 Dolby in a film like this, anyway. A very nice disc.

Disc Extras
No video for Speak the Hungarian Rapper. NO. VIDEO. FOR SPEAK. THE HUNGARIAN FUCKING RAPPER!! Jumping fucking Jesus on a fucking pogo stick, how do you NOT have a Speak the Hungarian Rapper video on your fucking DVD? Christ almighty in heaven hallowed be thy name, our soldiers are fighting and dying overseas in some god-forsaken fucking desert and/or dessert, getting blown the fuck up by fucking fuck fucks, and THEY DON’T PUT SPEAK’S AWESOME SONG SOMETIMES ON THIS DVD!!! FUUUUCK!!

Breath. Breath. Breath.

In summary, Our Very Own has no bonus material.

The Bottom Line
A few weeks ago I drank so much beer I almost vomited all over the bar, and in the course of a normal conversation I kept saying “cunt” to a nice young lady, then a bald dude wanted to fight me, then I blacked out and had a two-day hangover, but I didn’t shit myself. So all in all, it was a good night.

In summary, Our Very Own is a heartwarming film that will bring back warm, fond memories of those wonderful, forever elusive teenage years, days when time stands still and tomorrow is still forever away. It’s a beautiful little picture with wider appeal than its indie roots would suggest, and will be especially appealing for those who know and love small town life.