I recall those barely out of reach days, not that long ago, when I was about the same age as Alex (Gabe Nevins), the protagonist in this thoroughly uninteresting film. Yes, looking back now, I can safely confirm that the anemia, apathy, despondency, hopelessness, lankiness, and lethargy had already started by that point in time. We still had figures, though: fat, skinny, tall, short, you name it, we had it. Paranoid Park’s individuals however are somewhat automaton in their depictions. All these skater kids look alike: hoodies, shapeless twigs for bodies, hairstyles straight out of Mark Hamill’s early film career, and weird androgynous similarities that really make you wonder what the government has been putting in our milk for the past couple of decades.

Have I mentioned that I don’t like skaters very much? It’s not because I can’t ride a board (I can’t -- I can’t even ride a bicycle). It isn’t due to the fact that they get more action than I did when I was their age, either. No, truth be told, it’s the whole unreliable thing, really.

They don’t give a shit. Hell, they don’t have to give a shit! They’re not going anywhere in life and they know it. They’ve embraced that fact, and (despite the immense talent that a vast majority of them possess) they’re quite content with crawling through the remainder of their years ignoring all of the valuable life lessons that older (and sometimes wiser) individuals may offer them (what would we know, right?). Well, just as these kids don’t give a shit about us, I no longer give a shit about them… and I especially don’t give a shit about Somnambulist Park, a movie that could cure insomnia if it weren’t so hypnotic in its boringness and mediocrity.

Really, Gus… what the hell was the point here? Did you find the lead kid cute and cast him in the part so he’d become your friend and, when he turns 18, you can tell him he owes you for his fame and demand sex or what? Here, let me describe how Pedophile Park plays out: Alex writes. Walks around. Talks to a detective. Stares at things. Walks around some more. Drives around (oooh, we’re getting adventurous). Sits around (we’re breaking formula -- I’m not sure I can handle this change!). Stares at other things. Throws in some narration. Writes a bit more. You get the idea.

Propaganda Park takes place in Portland, Oregon (which will prompt some of you to watch it for that reason alone -- please, resist) and the entire movie looks as if it could have had a budget of about $10,000 or so (and that went to feeding the kids). The actors are not actors… they are not all that bad at times… but they’re still not actors. The benefit of not hiring actors works here, though: this is supposed to be real. Dialogue is intentionally illiterate. Deliveries are stilted and sound unrehearsed. Child actors look at an off-screen character as they converse with hidden cue cards. Adults are mostly shown as faceless blurs (since they don’t care and all). If I were to pick up and read Blake Nelson’s novel of the same name, it would probably work for me… but here, it becomes nothing more than an abysmal mess.

Why? Well, I think it’s Van Sant’s audacity if nothing else. Remember, this is the guy who remade Hitchcock’s Psycho and used the excuse “So no one else would have to.” … So no one else would have to? Never-you-mind “Why would anybody want to?”, let’s just stick with “So no one else would have to.” Thank you George-fucking-Mallory!

Suffice to say, Van Sant’s pomposity has not diminished since then. In Paraphernalia Park, Gus has the gall to unashamedly repeat segments of the movie… IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED! Only the second time, he gives us an explanation of WHY we followed Alex walking around for minutes on end -- YES, WE GET TO SEE ALL OF THOSE BORING, DRAWN-OUT SCENES AGAIN! HOW THRILLING! It wouldn’t be that bad, however, if he didn’t insult our intelligence at the same time: any anemic, apathetic, despondent, hopeless, lanky, and lethargic teen with half of a braincell could figure out what’s going on here, and the unnecessary reiteration set to everything from the recycled strains of maestro Nino Rota (from Juliet Of The Spirits, a much better movie) to the trance-inducing sounds of Ethan Rose… sounds that, when combined with Van Sant’s proportionally discordant and disjointed Indie flick, leave you feeling rather anemic, apathetic, despondent, hopeless, lanky, and lethargic (androgyny available where applicable).

Presentation
Well, the movie sucks, but at least it looks pretty darn decent. Shot open matte, Paranoid Park was presented matted during its brief and limited theatrical run, but is presented here in a standard, Full Frame format (1.33:1)… something that will no doubt appeal to anyone that is dumb enough to appreciate this film and who also considers it to be a work of art.

The filmstock used in the film varied from 35mm to grainy Super 8, so naturally, the quality on the DVD varies for these scenes. The regular 35mm footage however looks very nice with just a little bit of color muting to give it that gloomy, rainy day feel (or Portland feel if you prefer).

A well-mixed 5.1 soundtrack is the sole audio option here, and English SDH and Spanish Subtitles are included.

Extras
Some non-anamorphic Trailers for The Last Winter and How To Rob A Bank play when the DVD starts up. That’s it. Yep, the fellers at Genius and Weinstein didn’t really give a shit either, did they?

The Bottom Line
I lightly chuckled once at an unintentional moment of humor. I slightly raised an eyebrow in approval over an artistically appealing shot for a single solitary second. I also wasted 90 minutes of my time staring at people doing nothing. I could watch Caltrans workers do the same thing and get more out of it.