There was an episode in the Third Season of House M.D. in which the title character mentioned Party Of Five, calling it The O.C. of its day. This is true. Very true. But instead of the everything-in-life-will-be-OK-as-long-as-you’re-white-and-adopted-by-rich-white-yuppies message that The O.C. brought us, Party Of Five offers us another message: everything-in-life-will-be-OK-as-long-as-you’re-white (even-though-your-parents-died-in-a-horrific-accident).

In case you’ve never seen an episode of Party Of Five, it’s the story of the five Salinger siblings, whose parents died in an accident when their car was hit by a drunk driver: elder Charlie (Matthew Fox), high schoolers Bailey (Scott Wolf) and Julia (Neve Campbell), early teen Claudia (Lacey Chabert) and toddler Owen (who was portrayed by several different kids throughout the run of the series).

Who in their right mind has five kids over the course of twenty-three years? Maybe their death was more of a ritual suicide just so they could avoid putting up with the five overly dramatic, big-teethed, meaty-faced monstrosities that they over-populated San Francisco with!

Prior to opening this set, I had never seen an episode of this show. Now, I kind of wish that it could have remained that way. Everyone in this show is a moron: idiots… dumbshits… fucktards… whatever you want to call them, they are it!

Somehow, this show managed to pollute a major television network for six years… it even managed to pick up a following (at least I’m guessing considering someone bought the set from me on eBay). Frankly, I don’t get it. There’s nothing at all charming about brainwashing an entire generation to act like orphaned yuppie drama queens (and I’ve seen the side effects of this show everywhere - along with The O.C., Beverly Hills 90210 and Dawson’s Creek… to name a few).

However, even if the show isn’t to my liking, there are several things going on here that one might be able to get a kick out of (aside from the bad acting and the bad hair)… and so, I present to you (glorious fanfare) The Main Stars of Party Of Five (all seven of them):

Scott Wolf
Eww. What happened there? I don’t remember him doing anything of interest… well, there was Double Dragon (1994) of course… he also appeared on Kids Incorporated - yep, only prime résumé fodder for this lad! Oh, wait there was Go (1999), in which he played Jay Mohr’s gay lover. Speaking of gayety, one of the few reasons to watch Party Of Five is solely to watch Scott Wolf try to act straight - even his character is a closet homosexual: take for example the torrid passion in Bailey’s eyes as his friendship with his buddy Will (Scott Grimes) dissolves… I lost many friends in high school (some damn good ones, too) but I never acted that extreme about it.

Neve Campbell
Let’s see, what else is there not to like about Neve Campbell? Well, there was The Craft, Scream (re-invention of the horror genre, my ass!), 54 (oh, what a horrible movie), Scream 2 (a bad, bad sequel), Three To Tango (anything with Matthew Perry goes on my shit list, how ’bout you?), Scream 3 (an even worse sequel) and Drowning Mona. However, all that changed when she appeared nude in When Will I Be Loved and starred in Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical. You go, girl.

Jennifer Love Hewitt
Again, what isn’t there to appreciate here… aside from Kids Incorporated (you replaced Robin, you tart!), Garfield, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Can’t Hardly Wait, House Arrest, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, The Tuxedo, Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties, I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (OK, she wasn’t in that one, but I blame her for the film’s existence nonetheless), not to mention her so-called music career. I thought it was cool that she co-produced the television biopic on Audrey Hepburn, but was a bit let down that she played Audrey’s part herself (sorry honey, you’re no Audrey Hepburn). Other than that, she’s okay… and maybe a bit sexy depending on how drunk I am.

Lacey Chabert
Now she’s sexy. Sure, she was this annoying thing on Party Of Five but - damn! - when I look at her now. Sure, most of the movies she’s made are shit (Lost In Space, anyone?) but she is a damn fine musician, voice actress (she was the original, uncredited voice of Meg on Family Guy) and has quite the singing voice to boot. Sadly, her talents are used primarily for bad TV shows and video games aimed at the kiddies… yet, somehow, despite being stuck in a recording booth most of her career, she has managed to make it onto Maxim’s Hot 100 list - twice (which is rather scary when you think about it… how many of the old farts behind that magazine were already lusting after her during her jailbait Party Of Five years? Creepy!).

Jeremy London
There hasn’t been an actor of this caliber since Jason London (his twin brother). No matter what kind of role he tackles, whether is be that of a mallrat, a doctor, or an army captain in the Civil War, Jeremy London always seems to scream “stoned skater kid” to me (even though he isn’t… or wasn’t… as far as I know). On the plus side, Jeremy is very anti-smoking and has developed a few projects in the attempt to discourage kids from puffin’ the tobacco (although tobacco is the least of a parent’s many worries). Let us know how that goes, Jeremy… I haven’t seen any change yet.

Matthew Fox
Not a bad actor. Not really. I never understood the obsession with Lost (so a bunch of people are in purgatory, big whoop!) and I haven’t yet decided if I will subject myself to The Wachowski Brothers’ Speed Racer flick (why oh why?) so I’ll just have to wait for a good movie to come out to see him actually act!

Paula Devicq
What is a Devicq? Where did she come from? Is she really a man in disguise like Marcia Cross? Well, while that speculation may account for the fact that Scott Wolf lived with her for a while after he split up with Alyssa Milano, is still does not answer the burning question at hand: has she ever made a movie that I have actually seen her in? The answer is a big fat “No”. No, actually I have no idea if a Devicq even exists… she’s much like a Sasquatch in that respect: you think you see her on TV so you videotape it, show it to friends and experts alike, and they all say “No, that’s just a bear” or “It’s just a shadow”. Someday, we at Devicq Research Industries Int’l hope to provide mankind with definitive proof… but for now, it’s all hearsay.

Presentation
It looks fine… it sounds fine… not that I really paid much attention to it (I didn’t).

Extras
In a vain attempt to either pique your interest or to annoy the living hell out of you, Sony has included two Minisodes (another phenomenon that I simply don’t get… much like Lost really): one from Silver Spoons and one from The Facts Of Life. That’s it. Next time, Sony, try getting some cast interviews (or a fan commentary or something… heck, those crazy-ass fans’ll pay you to do it!).

The Bottom Line
Bailey is gay - plain and simple.

		Party Of Five - The Complete Third Season
2.5		Feature - An excellent motivator for cleaning that bathroom.
3.5		Video - Ah, television from the 90s: it’s like a direct-to-video sequel to TV from the 80s - close, but not quite.
3.5		Audio - If you enjoy listening to people overreacting to things, then by all means: crank it up
.5		Extras - Whoop-de-shit.

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