It's hard to argue that Planet Terror is a good movie.

Robert Rodriguez could probably be called the most professionally stunted director in the business - never changing, never progressing, never evolving. I look at a Robert Rodriguez picture and I think to myself, "Why can't Robert Rodriguez make a film that isn't so… Rodriguez-y?" That is the cold, logical part of my brain - the part that wants to write off Planet Terror and the whole Grindhouse fiasco as a smug fifty million dollar in-joke. 

If you were to compare Tarantino's entry to Rodriguez's when it comes to the whole idea behind Grindhouse, it's evident which one comes out the winner - Planet Terror ultimately doesn't add up. Tarantino's film goes deep into the concept of grindhouse cinema right down to its meticulous recreation of the exploitation film structure, while Rodriguez's is more concerned with the surface. With Death Proof we get grindhouse. With Planet Terror we get… Another Robert Rodriguez film, only with film scratch effects and blood. 

However, another part of my brain wants to wave a giant cowboy hat in the air while shouting "yee-haw" like Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove, because Planet Terror is one hell of a flick. Brazenly ridiculous from beginning to end and willing to try anything in the book, Planet Terror resembles the walking-on-air trick seen in many a Warner Brothers cartoons - if you take even a split second to think about it, you'll fall into a deep, dark chasm to your doom. 

A strong ensemble cast provides a convoluted story about a strange chemical's affect on a small southern, barbeque lovin' town. While the green chemical (it's always green, isn't it?) is initially planned for warfare, Lieutenant Muldoon (Bruce Willis, clearly up for anything) and his people get a faceful of the stuff while on the hunt for Osama Bin Laden, and now have to imbibe the deadly gas in order to stay alive. A deal is blown between his group of super soldiers and a testicle-collecting scientist, who unleashes hell because… Well, that's what allows the plot to move forward, damn this thing called "logic."  

Meanwhile, a stripper by the name of Cherry Darling manages to reconcile with her long lost boyfriend, the dark and mysterious El Wray, who might only be 5'6," but he knows how to handle an obscene amount of weaponry when the time calls. A man of technical skill, El Wray manages to craft a machine gun prosthetic when Cherry's leg ends up in the maw of a crazed zombie.  

Now, over in Plot C, Missus Doctor Dakota Block is secretly trying to escape her loveless relationship to Mister Doctor William Block in order to reunite with her lesbian lover. Unbeknownst to Dakota, her husband is stark raving insane with jealousy and won't let anything - not even zombification - get in the way of his love for her, even when the lesbian tryst ends up in the hospital missing her brain. But don't worry, the threat of humanity's doom brings everyone together, and the small group fights their way out of the city in order to repopulate the Earth in less inhabited, more picturesque locations.  

Now, the question on everyone's minds (the one after "why did The Weinstein Company decide to screw us with separate releases?" The answer to that one by the way is "Shut up, geek.") is what's included in the uncut edition of the film. Interestingly enough, Planet Terror does not reinstate the missing reel like Death Proof does, but instead peppers the entire film throughout with new moments of character development and, yes, a few bloody sacks of gore.  

While the amount of new footage dissipates as the film goes along, the first half feels completely fresh and new, with new and extended scenes coming in at a surprising pace. But make no mistake - Death Proof in its new incarnation feels like an actual film, while Planet Terror still feels like something to be experienced in the moment, without anything truly resonating. And that's a compliment . 

Also included: the trailer for Machete! Danny Trejo deserves a starring vehicle, and this trailer provides more entertainment than the average film.

 
Presentation  
There's some good news and there's some bad news: Planet Terror, like Rodriguez's Once Upon A Time in Mexico has been unmatted for 1.78:1 widescreen rather than its 2.35:1 theatrical presentation. Annoying? Absolutely, but you can simply download a program like VLC player, which allows you to matte any video to the aspect ratio of your choosing. Instant OAR! No more whining!  

The good news is that, despite having a bit of head and legroom throughout the film, Planet Terror looks stunning. Yes, the film is intentionally scratched to hell, covered in nicks, dirt, and missing a few frames, but my advice is to take a good, hard look at Danny Trejo's face during the Machete trailer. All one can do is wonder just what it takes to produce a face like that. The detail is absurd. 

Not as manipulated as the video, the audio can feature its own hints of artificial crackle and hiss, but it's never unintentionally distorted or hard to follow. And the track lives up to its subject, full of screaming, horror goop and a John Carpenter-esque soundtrack, from frame one, it doesn't let up.  

Extras  
Spread across two discs, most of the meat is contained on disc two, but don't shrug off the first disc, as it contains an informative, though slightly infuriating commentary track with Robert Rodriguez. Can you restrain yourself from punching the wall every time Robert refers to the film as "low budge" without a hint of irony, especially since he doesn't follow it with the phrase "…for a studio picture?" Well, try it and see.

We also get another audio option that runs throughout the film. The audience reaction track provides some background ambiance from a crowd that is, at times, surprisingly reserved. You get the hooting and hollering during the lesser action scenes (when it gets to the zombie hordes, it's hard to differentiate between audience screams and in-film screams), quiet observance during the character moments, and no audience at all during the newly inserted scenes, as expected. While containing absolutely no insight, it is fun to hear yelps and giggles from the phantom peanut gallery.  

A collection of posters for the film and international trailers for both Grindhouse features round out the film-specific features, and the first disc is finally tied up with more trailers for the underwhelming 1408, the Rob-Zombie-Doesn't-Get-It Halloween remake and the hopefully-amazing-for-a-one-note-joke Black Sheep.  

Moving onto disc 2, we have the standard Ten Minute Film School that's now simply expected from a Robert Rodriguez DVD. The gimmick still holds tons of interest, as Rodriguez shows off a lot of great effects work, and a decent selection of pre-aged moments that shows off the amount of visual manipulation it took to create the film. Oh, and of course this feature mentions an eventual special edition release of Grindhouse as one film. You were expecting anything less? 

The rest of the disc is more glossy and promotional; The Badass Babes and The Guys of Planet Terror are two separate features that runs shy of 30 minutes, and goes into the minds of the characters. Thankfully Rodriguez is present to give a little substance to these clip-filled features, explaining his writing process for the project (casting actors halfway through writing and then tailoring the characters to the actor's personality) and providing a good deal of set footage.  

Casting Rebel is a fascinating short about the nepotistic casting of Robert Rodriguez's son in the role of Tony. Where the interest comes from is the length Rodriguez goes to shield his son from the chaos of the film. Able to shoot whatever the hell he wants thanks to digital video, Rodriguez films alternate takes in order to lie to his son about the character's untimely fate.

Sickos, Bullets and Explosions: The Stunts Of Planet Terror features behind the scenes footage and interviews with the cast and stunt(wo)men who help bring realism to this wholly unrealistic film, and finally The Friend, The Doctor And The Real Estate Agent shows how Robert Rodriguez simply went to his friends when it came time to cast memorable bit parts - a tradition in grindhouse cinema when one can't afford to hire actual actors.

Ultimately, most of the extras on disc two resemble the film itself: fluffy, fun and yet highly disposable. You want insight? Stick to the commentary track, and the always-dependable Ten Minute Film School. 

Oh, and all of the behind-the-scenes extras show off a 2.35 matte on the monitors. You're a Jerk, Rodriguez.

The Bottom Line
Robert Rodriguez has turned his problems with arrested development into a positive, and, while free of meaning and subtext, Planet Terror is a blast. Who knows if you could even call it a real movie, it feels like a string of scenes that were designed to win every category featured on the MTV Movie Awards pasted together in one glorious, messy chunk. My brain says no, but my heart says yes. And my heart can beat the shit out of my brain any day of the week.