(NOTE: The following paragraph should be read in a macho manly “narrator” voice à la Hal Douglas or Don LaFontaine) Scientology’s personal Jesus boy, Tom Cruise, turns in one of his most laughable performances ever as Lt. Pete Mitchell, a cocky, barely pubescent Air Force brat with a penchant for playing by his own rules.  His handle?  Maverick (he was a big James Garner fan growing up in Sausalito).  His philosophy?  …   Well, why bother with something as trivial as philosophy, he’s too damn cool for that - and he flies jets, too!

It is simply mind-blowing how something as minor as a magazine article managed to change the entire history of the Hollywood Blockbuster: one day, a sadistic cokehead named Don Simpson (who is, thankfully, dead now) and a pretentious jerkoff named Jerry Bruckheimer (who, unfortunately, is still alive) came across an article about Navy pilots in training and said “Wow, this is like Star Wars… only it’s not in space and stuff!”  After several lines of cocaine, the doped-up duo sensed that they could have the big hit on their hands: something that could be even greater than their previous collaborations, Beverly Hills Cop and Flashdance, and so they opted to purchase the rights to the article (as ridiculous as that may sound) and pushed it to Paramount (who had demoted Simpson from exec to producer at one point due to his drug use: “What, you have a $60,000 a day drug habit?  You can’t be an exec - you’re clearly producer material!”).  Strangely enough, Paramount bought it… and good motion pictures have been suffering a slow, painful extinction in the process.

It was no longer about “plot” - and Top Gun is an excellent example as it clearly does not have one: it’s just a bunch of pretty boys flying jets, looking macho, and showing of their chiseled physiques in a rather “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” homoerotic way (well, all with the exception of Anthony Edwards, that is: his mustached, shade-spectacled, pre-“ER”, pre-balding role here has a very creepy Lt. Jim Dangler look about it) and yet people (mainly jocks) still think it’s a very butch flick!

By the by, has anybody ever noticed that all of the pilots have full names and handles except for the black guy (Clarence Gilyard, Jr.), whose character has a nickname and nothing else?

So anyway, back to the nonexistent story: Maverick and his best friend Goose (Edwards) are sent to the Top Gun academy of the title.  There, Maverick flexes his ego, gets everyone in a bar to sing the worst rendition of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” ever (before the American karaoke invasion, mind you), beds his instructor (a woman of all people… and Aryan pinup model Kelly McGillis at that), engages in a constant pissing contest with Iceman (Val Kilmer), alternately pisses off and impresses his instructors (Tom Skerritt and Michael Ironside), cooks Goose’s goose (sorry, had to), quits, reenlists, and so forth.  It all leads up to the epic “You can be my wingman anytime.” line that caused severe chuckling worldwide and is set to a lot of 80s music (“Axel F” composer Harold Faltermeyer wrote the score) including Kenny Loggins, Berlin, and Loverboy.

Yes, it’s an awful movie, but as a big Hollywood Blockbuster/Tony Scott/Jerry Bruckheimer/Don Simpson/Tom Cruise film, it’s all that one could hope for.

Oh, and about that whole “Star Wars on Earth” thing Jerry Bruckheimer always brags about?  Has anyone ever cued up the sound from Star Wars’ Death Star battle during Top Gun’s climactic oh-we-need-a-big-adrenaline-fueled-dogfight-to-keep-up-the-illusion-of-a-plot scene?  Talk about scary.

Presentation
Some say “no”, I say “yes”…   The picture here has definitely been tinkered with, which may piss off those of you who think all this artificial enhancement give a film a much unneeded polished, glossy, or sharpened look.  I wasn’t a member of the A/V club, nor do I subscribe to video technology magazines: I know what I like, and I like the transfer here.  The 1080p 2.35:1 widescreen picture looks absolutely stunning to me, and Kelly McGillis’ ugly-ass lipstick stands out more than Tom Cruise’s unibrow.

Then there’s the sound.  Not only is there an English Dolby TrueHD 5.1 track, but there is also a kick-ass English DTS 6.1 Master track that I absolutely loved (if only the dialogue wasn’t so shitty).  Also on hand are two Dolby Digital 5.1 tracks in French and Spanish.  English, English (SDH), French, Spanish, and Portuguese Subtitles accompany.

Extras
Most of these Special Features are recycled (I’m not entirely positive about the Best Of The Best Featurette).  First up is an Audio Commentary with co-producer Jerry Bruckheimer, director Tony Scott, co-writer Jack Epps, Jr., and Naval experts Captain Mike Galpin, technical advisor Pete Pettigrew, and Vice Admiral Mike McCabe.  It’s a pretty good listen and it contains a lot of information for those of you who really care (providing you don’t mind all of the pomposity) - plus it’s fun to hear Tony Scott talk about how he saw the movie as being a big rock video (how true) and that Bruckheimer and Simpson fired him on three separate occasions (although you’d think they would have got it right at some point - must’ve been the coke).

Next up is a really, really long Documentary, Danger Zone: The Making Of Top Gun (2:27:42) which is divided into six parts: From The Ground Up: Pre-Production, Playing With The Boys - Production: Land And Sea, The Need For Speed - Production: Air, Back To Basics: Visual Effects, Combat Rock: The Music Of Top Gun, Afterburn: Release And Impact.  This docu contains more information than you’ll probably ever need to know about the film.

For those of you who enjoy trying to decipher a director’s doodling, you can take a look at some Multi-Angle Storyboards with optional commentary by Tony Scott: Flat Spin (4:02) and Jester’s Dead (2:53).  This is followed by Best Of The Best: Inside The Real Top Gun (28:46), a factual Featurette about the actual Navy Fighter Weapons School in Fallon, NV.

For my money, the Vintage Gallery is the best selection of all the Bonus Features: here we get 4 Music Videos starting with “Danger Zone” (3:56) by Kenny Loggins which, considering the really rocking drive the song has to it, has to be the most boring music video ever made as the whole thing has Kenny Loggins inside a small bedroom… looking out the window… staring at the ceiling fan… taking photos… one almost gets the impression the guy is masturbating at one point.  “Take My Breath Away” (4:30) by Berlin also shows a vastly unimaginative style behind the camera (Terri Nunn looks like shit in this one), while “Heaven In Your Eyes” (4:05) by Loverboy makes you long to listen to the strained sounds of Foreigner instead.  Lastly in the Music Video department is the “Top Gun Anthem” (4:25) by Harold Faltermeyer with assistance by a very large-haired Steve Stevens.

Also in the Vintage Gallery are seven :30 second TV Spots (each of which is a prime example of pinpoint marketing at work): Patriotism, Story, Male Action (excuse me, male action?  As opposed to female action films?), Romance (shouldn‘t that be female romance?), Cruise/Action, Cruise/Moody, and Music; a Behind-the-Scenes Featurette (5:30); a Survival Training Featurette (7:30); and the Tom Cruise Interviews (6:42) in which the then-youngin star disappoints by remaining stationary on the couch the whole time.

Oddly enough, a Theatrical Trailer is nowhere to be seen.

The Bottom Line
The greatest unintentional comedy ever made and the perfect companion piece to Battlefield Earth.