Back in the mid-80s, I was an avid Transformers fan: I had most of the toys (I had to have the toys… everyone had
to have the toys… that was the whole point of the show, after all), my school buddies and I talked about them all the
time, and every time the show was on, you could have bet your bottom dollar that you’d find me glued to the
television, watching with sheer delight.
Ah, to be young again… or to at least have no knowledge of what product placement is.
I have to confess, I haven’t watched any version of this franchise since before Transformers: The Movie came out in
1986 (which I have never seen to this day) so it was with a certain amount of apprehensiveness that I approached Transformers Cybertron, fearing that the names and personalities of those classic characters would have escaped
my ever-darkening memory… and that I would just feel that much older as a result.
As it turns out, my apprehensiveness was all for naught: 99% of the characters in Transformers Cybertron never
even existed when I was a kid.
…
Now I really feel old.
 What the hell is this shit, anyway? A crappy mixture of CG and traditional animation that’s best suited for an arcade
game, annoying repetitive techno music that sounds like it might have been chucked from a late-90s Spanish
discotheque, and voices that leave me craving Kool Aid for some bizarre reason.
Maybe I’m just “too old” now and no longer “get” it… or perhaps my terminal cynicism is once again getting the better
of me… I highly doubt it, though… and quite frankly, this Transformers Cybertron appears to be nothing more than
just another big, long, nineteen-hour toy commercial disguised as a kiddie show and should join the ranks of Stargate: Infinity and Cow And Chicken.
So anyway, the story here has the Autobots venturing to the farthest reaches of the universe on the quest for the long-lost Cyber Planet Keys. Why? Well, turns out their home planet of Cybertron is in danger of being completely
annihilated by an ominous black hole-type thingy. Naturally, these Autobot fellers can’t venture as far as the corner
market without being harassed by the Decepticons, so if you imagined that the Autobots’ mission would be a piece of
cake, well… you’re wrong, bitch! Ha, ha, ha!
 Of course, any adaptation of the whole Transformers lore would not be complete without throwing in a couple of “Hu-Mans”, so enter three (white) kids. Kids that annoy. Kids that immediately pick up alien hardware and start helping.
Kids that instantly accept the sudden appearance of an entire race of gigantic semi-intelligent robots capable of
constructing an entire world or destroying it and willingly choose to hang out with them. Kids whose parental figures
never once ask “Honey, have you seen our offspring perchance?” Kids that teach the Autobots traffic safety and how
to fit in with the white human race (it’s easy: just wear a pair of cut-offs, give yourself a mullet, and hang out at the
casinos… tweaking).
Speaking of kids, Transformers Cybertron - The Ultimate Collection is a 7-disc set that pre-adolescents and nerdy,
spectacled fat guys in basements will thoroughly enjoy… but anyone else will no doubt squirm in agony the whole
time.
 Presentation
Although I can’t say I’m overly impressed with the animation itself, the transfer from Paramount looks just fine,
particularly during the computer generated segments. Apparently, nobody felt like wasting their valuable time in order
to create anything beyond English 2-Channel Stereo sound, so that’s what you get. Deal with it.
No subtitles are included, but the discs are Closed Captioned.
Extras
Nothing. Nothing at all. No episodic promos… no bumpers for other animated series on DVD… hell, not even an
insert depicting all the cheap, Made In Hong Kong Transformers toys you can bend over for at your local Wal-Mart.
The Bottom line
“We shall fight them until our sparks are extinguished.” ¡Ay, caramba!
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