Throughout it’s entire run on television, “Walker, Texas Ranger” always managed to elude me.  I think it may have had something to do with the fact that most television shows from this time period were absolutely wretched and were best viewed following a frontal lobotomy, but I could be mistaken.  No, truth be told, I never watched “Walker, Texas Ranger” because it starred and was produced by Chuck Norris.

I’m not a Chuck Norris fan.  Not anymore, at least.  Now, when I was younger, I thought Chuck was pretty cool...   That scene in Firewalker where he breaks the bottle by squeezing it?  Hey, that was some groovy shit!  Fighting with the Bruce Lee in The Way (Return) Of The Dragon?  Wow!  Yes, I even thought Missing In Action was a decent film.  Then, one day, I rented Invasion U.S.A.  I nearly vomited.  Literally.  It left an oh-so-sour taste in my stomach that I’ve never been able to vanquish.  I thought maybe Chuck had gone downhill... then I noticed that Invasion U.S.A. came out a full year before Firewalker!  Maybe there was something wrong with me... so I rented the first two Missing In Action films again.  Nope, now it was there, too: nausea!  Continuity errors galore (Braddock gets his stomach sliced by a villainous Vietnamese guy during a flashback, yet there isn’t a scratch on his torso in the present)!  A general feeling of incompetence!  Bad, bad, bad writing and an extremely low budget to boot!  Yes, it was painfully obvious that my naïveté was dwindling and the cynicism that everyone around me would grow to despise was beginning to set in.  It was the end of my innocence.

Thank you, Chuck Norris!  Thanks a lot!

Well then, now that I have rid myself of that burden... what else can I say about a man that makes infomercials and has been seen shopping at my local Wal-Mart?  Anybody see Top Dog?  Sidekicks, anyone?  How ‘bout Hero And The Terror?  Face it, Chuck has made some truly awful movies and yet, some yahoo gave his television series a green light... what the hell was up with that?

So then, what’s “Walker, Texas Ranger” about?  A ranger.  In Texas.  Named Walker.  His name was originally Firewalker, but the kids in school teased him because he didn’t look Indian.  He is, though... don’t the fact that he’s white fool you (perhaps the word Windian best describes his ethnicity: think of him as the Texan equivalent of a Wigger or a Wankster).

Chuck’s co-stars on “Walker, Texas Ranger” include Clarence Gilyard, Jr., Sheree J. Wilson and Noble Willingham.

I should point out that while the box, cases and menus refer to this as “Walker, Texas Ranger” - The Fourth Season, this is actually the Fifth Season.  When the First Season of “Walker, Texas Ranger” debuted on DVD, CBS/Paramount released both the entire First and Second Seasons together.  I don’t know if CBS/Paramount ever issued a statement regarding this less-than-unnoticeable error, but maybe we could all form a class action suit against them for false advertising..?

Disc One:
Episode One: “Higher Power” - Some folks believe an ugly kid is the reincarnation of a Buddhist monk.  Bad guys led by the monk’s past-life nemesis want to kill him.  Walker saves the day.
Luigi’s Useless Information: I was told by a friends of mine who works at a local theater that Chuck and his missus once attended a showing of Flight Of The Phoenix (2004) and that they left less than halfway through the film.  It’s pretty bad when even Chuck Norris thinks your movie isn’t worth sitting through!

Episode Two: “Patriot” - Some neo-Nazi fuckheads take the staff of a TV station hostage, demanding that “Hee-Haw” be returned to it’s former timeslot on Sunday afternoons, immediately following Rev. Jerry Falwell.  Walker saves the day.
Luigi’s Useless Information: I was really hoping for something more here... but my disappointment can be attributed to the fact that I fell asleep.

Episode Three: “Ghost Rider” - Walker saves the day... with the help of a ghost. (as Count Floyd) Oooh, it’s scary, kids!  Sadly, this episode is better than the Nicolas Cage movie of the same name.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Chuck Norris also sang the show’s theme song.  Yet another reason to hate it.

Episode Four: “Brotherhood” - Ex-cons are turning up dead.  Hey, it’s Texas... who the fuck cares?  I fell asleep.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Hey, guess what?  Yep, you guessed it: Walker saves the day!  How did you know?  Wow, you’re a smart one, aren’t you?

Disc Two:
Episode Five: “Plague” - Some evil, villainous type of hombres whip up a very bad batch of chili con carne that kills Arnie and his brother has to call Ajax Mortuary (that’s a semi-obscure reference to the great comedy duo of Hudson & Landry that probably only my Uncle “Juice” will get but I decided to throw in nonetheless). 
Luigi’s Useless Information: I think Walker saves the day in this one... can’t remember... slept through most of it.

Episode Six: “Redemption” - Walker saves the day.  Surprised?

Note: somewhere around this point, I lost interest and fell asleep again... this time indefinitely.  Normally, that wouldn’t be a bad thing, but this happened when it was mid-afternoon.  I tried watching it later, but I still managed to succumb into a serene slumber once again.  I tried the next day... the yawning started almost as soon as I pushed the ‘Play’ button.  Then it dawned on me: “Walker, Texas Ranger”wasn’t produced as entertainment, it was aired in an effort to assist the sleep-deprived and to give the elderly viewers that watched it a false sense of security during their late-evening nap before bedtime.  Their noble gesture notwithstanding, you’d think they would put a label on the box or something informing you about that!

Warning: “Walker, Texas Ranger” may cause drowsiness.  Do not operate heavy machinery or attempt autoerotic asphyxiation while viewing.  “Walker, Texas Ranger” is not for everyone.  Side effects may include (but are not limited to): drowsiness, the inability to wake up, sleep, disorientation, impotence, frustration, incontinence, severe alcoholism, the urge to vote Republican, a sense of weird-phony-mysticism, extreme flatulence, an uncontrollable craving for Coors and barbeque chicken, constipation, nausea and minor hemorrhaging.  Women that are pregnant or breastfeeding should not view “Walker, Texas Ranger” or handle broken discs.  Ask your doctor if “Walker, Texas Ranger” is right for you.

Additional Note: Having made my profound revelation that “Walker, Texas Ranger” was nothing more than a babysitter for grandma and grandpa, I decided to forego on my self-sacrificing attempt to watch the rest of the season... I‘m a glutton for punishment and all, but come on!

“Walker, Texas Ranger” has to be one of the worst television shows to ever (ineptly) splatter across the small screen.  As to how it managed to run for seven years and have several made-for-TV follow-ups (not to mention the Walker character appearing on several other retarded shows) is certainly a mystery to me.  Chuck Norris is not an actor and his martial arts techniques (while certainly better than mine... which are non-existent unless I’m drunk) leave a lot to be desired.  The writing in “Walker, Texas Ranger” is terrible, it’s attempt at being all mystic-like are laughable at best, and the direction is about as tight as a two dollar whore at a Shriners Convention.  If you want a Chuck Norris fix, rent An Eye For An Eye instead.

Having said all that: Chuck, should we ever meet one another, the first round is on me... it’s the least I can do.

Presentation
Well, I haven’t been nice so far, so it won’t hurt to tell you that the video on this looks like shit a great deal of the time.  I’ve read that the show was filmed on 16mm, but it looks mighty grainy... maybe the guy that was assigned to take the cans down to the vault was an avid Chuck Norris hater and dropped them in a puddle of vinegar while en route.  The audio could be a lot better, but it isn’t (about what you‘d expect mid-90s stereo TV to sound like).  The menus are rather generic-looking and don’t even have a Play All option.  I get the feeling whoever was in charge of this disc wasn’t a big Chuck Norris fan, either (what can I say, there are a lot of us out there).

Also, the DVD refers to Spanish as Latin Spanish.  Somewhere between yesterday and today, somebody decided to rename the dialect (it was previously known as Spanish for all accounts and purposes).  I’m guessing that part of Central/South America decided plain ol’ Spanish was just too vague and, seeing how Spain has several different dialects, figured they can disorient the world just as well as anyone else!  Watch out, world: soon, English speakers are already beginning to meet secretly in online chat rooms to form their own dialects... soon there will be British English, Canadian English, Australian English, Welsh English (if such a thing is possible... I’m not quite sure what they speak), American English and Yiddish-Cantonese English.

Extras
The first disc has some previews for other TV shows on DVD.  That’s all - there isn’t any more.

The Bottom Line
If you are prone to bouts of insomnia or receive frequent visitations from unwanted relatives and friends, do yourself a favor and steal a copy of “Walker, Texas Ranger” - The Fourth (Fifth?!) Season... it’ll cure both.