Before I begin, I should like to issue a big “Thank you” to Mars Callahan for making Poolhall Junkies - it was a thoroughly enjoyable film featuring some great actors who appeared to be having a good time.  Now then, with the pleasantries aside, please allow me to discourage each and every one of you reading this from viewing (let alone paying for) What Love Is.  First off, it isn’t a movie, but rather a play shot on film…a p-l-a-y…and plays belong on a stage, in a high school auditorium or (in some cases) in the park.

What Love Is: Act I - The Penis Monologues - The story for What Love Is (what there is of it) involves Tom (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) coming home a bit on the late side for Valentine’s Day ready to propose to his beloved.  When he walks in, however, Tom finds that his significant other has packed up all of her belongings and will be stopping by later to move out for good.  Naturally, Tom begins to lose his grip…but the panic attack is short-lived when his buddy Sal (Matthew Lillard) comes over, whiskey in hand.  From this point on, the entire movie turns into your average stage play: Sal (a wealthy womanizer) has a severe case of verbal diarrhea and gibber-jabbers on about women and then the two of them exchange banter that is supposed to be witty.  Next, Ken (writer/director Mars Callahan) enters the soirée, spews his two cents about love (he’s the married one) and then the three of them prattle about!  Now enter Wayne, the token gay guy (Andrew Daly - overdoing it a bit)…and guess what…yes, he offers his view on relationships!  He isn’t the last guy to show up, however - Sean Astin walks in, too…food in hand! 

After forty minutes of badly written mixed metaphors, piss-poor analogies and way too many comparisons to both film and television lore (by the way, Mars, Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster!), a frothy-lipped Matthew Lillard (whose neck is beginning to overtake the rest of his head) spouts the cue for the women to arrive - and they do.  In what I assume must’ve been an effort to wake up the audience (or to get their rocks off, one or the other), the five women (Gina Gershon, Anne Heche, Tamala Jones, Shiri Appleby, Jud Taylor) morph into (real-life) exotic dancers and start stripping on a pole that descends from the ceiling.  Needless to say, this short-lived fantasy is the best part of the whole damn film/play (even if all of them do have fake titties) and doesn’t last long enough.

What Love Is: Act II - The Vagina Monologues, Part II: Electric Boogaloo - Now it’s time for the women to blather endlessly…fortunately, it doesn’t last nearly as long as the first act.  The male writer probably didn’t have enough material for this flip side of the coin - that or they simply cut this whole act down a bit to make the “story” flow easier…it still sucks.

What Love Is: Act III - When Worlds Collide - The last third of the movie has both parties merging and mingling.  At this point, the characters start to become likeable…and promptly leave.

Yes, it’s bad - very much so - and Mars Callahan’s stock with moviegoers will drop for sure because of this one.  Hell, Mars doesn’t even bother acting in this one - if you look closely at the scenes of him with his on-screen/on-stage friends, you’ll notice that he’s busy playing director/audience instead (but that does not mean you should watch it…because you shouldn’t).  You do have to give the guy credit though for convincing dozens upon dozens of people (it takes four whole minutes to list them all - the Lord Of The Rings films had shorter Special Thanks credits!) with money to invest into this project…only to have the film bomb miserably and be pulled from its already limited theatrical release.  I imagine most of those poor bastards are none too pleased about their first (and probably last) venture into the motion picture industry but look at it this way, guys and dolls: it’s a great tax write-off!

Presentation
Sony brings us a wonderful-looking transfer of a lousy film - the colors are vivid and there are no noticeable defects (it was a new film that only took a few days to go from the big screen to disc).  Sound-wise, the movie sounds good (aside from all of that horrid, nonsensical drivel that emits from the mouth of every cast member, that is).  English and Spanish subtitles accompany.

Extras
Should you accidentally find yourself a victim for viewing this flop, you can opt to tune the rabid ramblings of Matthew Lillard out and listen to a boring Audio Commentary with filmmaker-turned-con-artist Mars Callahan along with shyster Producers George Bours and John Hermansen.  There’s also a featurette entitled Making Love: The Making Of What Love Is (23:14) which is infinitely more entertaining than the actual film itself and a batch of Trailers (which are also more enjoyable than the movie…well, mostly…sort of): Untraceable, First Sunday, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Cleaner, The Good Night, Revolver, The Final Season, A Raisin In The Sun (1961), Jerry Maguire, Three Can Play That Game, 88 Minutes and a promo for Sony titles on Blu-ray.

The Bottom Line
Poolhall Junkies 2 would’ve had a better box office - back to the drawing board, Mars!