Softcore pornography. Does anyone bother with this shit anymore? Unless you’re under the age of 14 there’s no excuse for watching softcore pornography, especially when you have the Internet to aid you in the perusal of whatever hardcore material gets you going. Hell, even if you didn’t have Internet access it’s probably a safe bet that you could trot down to your local pornography shop and pick up a DVD of Max Hardcore urinating into some faceless woman’s lipsticked, speculum-widened anus.

It’s been widely acknowledged that hardcore pornography ruthlessly murdered the sexploitation genre. Girls playing volleyball in nudist camp films were quickly replaced with Linda Lovelace gobbling down an exuberant amount of penises while Harry Reems mugged unappealingly to the camera. That’s not to say that hardcore pornography doesn’t have its charm, though. Well, maybe not ‘70s-era gay porno. Everyone looked like a member of The Village People in those.

While most will consider the softcore pornography genre a lost cause, Seduction Cinema hobbles on, churning out their own particular brand of Nudie Cutie that will possibly please the 14 and under crowd desperate to see a tit, but will probably leave anyone over that delicate age straining for their remote.

Our story beings with our protagonist David Carter explaining to his therapist that he’s been having dreams that involve women stripping, rubbing their breasts all over him and then giving him a rather good chest-stabbing. The therapist seems uninterested with the whole event, even though David swears he remembers the location where his dreams take place. David exits with intentions on tracking down the mysterious area with his wife Tiffany, but before the plot can actually advance, the therapist’s secretary treats us to a rather extensive strip tease.

After some character development (a.k.a. a plot-stopping sex scene), David and Tiffany locate the mysterious spot that seems to haunt David’s dreams. Tiffany is a little freaked out by the whole deal, while David comments, “No. We must investigate more!” Cut to their car driving in the opposite direction. However the car breaks down, and without any cell phone service, the two make their way up to a scary house. How scary? Scary enough for a loud music sting, that’s how scary.

Tiffany and David are met by the spooky-ass Lola (Spooky enough that her entrance requires another musical sting) who greets the two with a warm smile, stories of a mythical beast named LaCaCanya (A snake with wings), and a few glasses of drugged wine. Should I mention that Lola bears a striking resemblance to one of the girls in David’s dream? Should I also mention Lola’s other cohorts, Felicia and Rebecca are the remaining two from David’s dream?

The drugged wine takes effect. Tiffany engages in a lesbian Jacuzzi frolic with Felicia and Rebecca (this involves a lot of breast-rubbing and for some reason, directly staring into the camera), while David is assaulted by Lola’s monstrous bosoms. If you’re not questioning if these ladies are up to something nefarious, the next scene involving the trio dancing naked around a bonfire to repetitive techno that sounds like it was programmed in a pirated copy of Fruity Loops should convince you.

More sex follows as we’re introduced to Holly, a girl who violates David before warning him of the LaCaCanya ghost (I guess the filmmakers decided to drop the whole snake-with-wings angle after awhile) coming to take his life. David, being the dunderheaded jerk he is, disregards this warning after Rebecca presents her vagina to him. What follows is an ending so quickly slapped together, it makes you wish they could have spent more time on the plot and less time on the nipples.

While The Witches of Breastwick might not work as an actual film, damn if it doesn’t do exactly what it promises to do: show you busty ladies in various states of undress. The acting, direction, cinematography and music are all bland. You can pin that on the fact that the film was shot in three days and in addition to that, the producers demanded a nudity scene every five minutes. But really, the “nudity every five minutes” clause is the most important thing about the film: It’s a skin flick, and it wants to give you as much skin as possible, and in that way it succeeds. Just don’t expect to be riveted by the plot.

Also, The Witches of Breastwick? Could you be more dated? Why not go the full mile and make One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Breast, or even Viva Kinipple!?

Image
The Anamorphic Widescreen image is exactly what you would expect from a cheapie shot on digital video. The image can be slightly dull at times, but that’s due to the technical limitations. The colors are as good as a movie set in the woods featuring a bunch of white people can be.

Sound
While my slightly out-of-date sound system (anything past 6 months is considered a relic) decoded the track at 2.0 Stereo, apparently The Witches of Breastwick was encoded for 5.1 ProLogic 2. Even though I wasn't capable of experiencing the film's true audio experence, the Stereo decoding was sufficent enough.

The few audio problems the film has can be contributed to its low-budget roots. The music soundtrack can overpower the dialogue at times, which may or may not be a hindrance to you, but really, how much were you expecting from a movie about lesbian witches going on a sex spree? When the soundtrack isn’t pumping out goofy techno music, the dialogue is always clear and understandable.

Extras  
A fully packed special edition comes with some features that will delight fans, and at the very least interest people who weren’t impressed by the feature. The commentary track featuring director H.R. Blueberry and actress Glori-Anne Gilbert is lively and informative, and gives a lot of interesting information on the making of these softcore flicks. And really, the story is predictable enough that you could switch directly to the commentary and just watch that instead of the movie itself.

If you dug on The Witches of Breastwick’s jive, you’re sure to enjoy the bonus feature-length film Vampire Callgirls, which stars Glori-Anne Gilbert. It’s pretty much what you would expect it to be, and runs an hour and eight minutes long. I watched it at 8X speed and felt I got the gist of it.

The Retro-Seduction PEEP SHOW Sampler is a vintage 8-minute strip tease video by a young blonde woman, no more, no less. Features an irritating Retro Seduction logo bug in the corner.

The Trailer Vaults contain two sections, one dedicated to Seduction Cinema’s newest productions (which include psychotic entries such as Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing, Sexy American Idle, and a bunch more that probably work better as trailers rather than feature-length films) and a section for Retro Seduction Cinema, a collection of trailers dedicated to the work of Joseph W. Sarno.

Overall
A nice special edition won’t elevate a film’s material. However, and I feel weird for saying this, if you’re a bright, young 13-year-old boy who’s too afraid to steal your parent’s credit card to pay for hardcore DVDs, maybe you can sneak this into an Amazon.com order with no one the wiser.

Points taken away due to the film being a lesbian witch movie, but not including a broom as a sexual device.