Amish chicks are HOT.

Anyone who knows me is only too aware of my Amish fetish. Maybe it’s because of the whole “untouched by the sins of the world” thing, or maybe it’s because the shower scene in Witness was the first movie moment to which I ever knocked one off. It’s a toss up. Be that as it may, whatever the reason, Kelly McGillis is bar none, hands down, the hottest Amish chick I have ever seen. Sure, Kelly McGillis is not really Amish, but Amish chicks don’t really do half the stuff I fantasize about, so who gives a shit. On with the movie.

Witness is the story of a Sexy Amish Chick that is raising a child all by herself, because her husband got killed in a butter churning accident or something. I think the kid is played by one of the Hobbits, but I’m not sure. I always get those ‘80s child actors confused. Anyway, when this Sexy Amish Chick takes her little runt to the big city, he WITNESSes a murder when he goes to take a “schloppie” or whatever Amish-speak is for “take a piss.” So Indiana Jones comes in, pretending he’s a cop or something, but I know it’s really Indy because he still has that scar on his chin that he got when he was River Phoenix. Plus, he goes by the name “John Book.” Feh. What a “Wannabe Lee Marvin” name THAT is. I saw Point Blank, too, Indy.

Meanwhile, at the police station, the Hobbit IDs the black guy from Lethal Weapon as one of the killers, but he conveniently didn’t see the other fella, so naturally it’s the only other cop in the movie. All this heat on Indy forces him to go undercover as an Amish dude where he gets to do chores, open a can of Amish whoop-ass on some Pennsylvania rednecks for smooshing ice cream on the face of the guy that looks like one of the terrorists from Die Hard and put the moves on Sexy Amish Chick.

Okay. That’s out of my system.

It has always struck me as odd that Witness was one of those films that has been so embraced by the general public. It’s smart, it’s mostly a character piece, the whole “fish out of water” milieu isn’t wacky and it’s about THE FUCKING AMISH!!! Aside from the unbridled hotness that is Kelly McGillis in a bonnet, I’m sure much of the appeal is Harrison Ford. This is when the man was on his game and not doing buddy pictures with that sleepy lookin’ kid from Pearl Harbor. You know, before he got his ear pierced. In Witness, the dude smolders. He’s intense. That sour look that Ford gets when he plays “angry”? It’s in there. When he finally gets to suck face with Sexy Amish Chick? A man’s desire for a big ol’ slice of shoefly pie has never been so intense on screen. This is one of the films that helped make Ford a star beyond all those dorky films we so obsess over.

Director Peter Weir again shows us why he is one of the most underrated directors in the biz, as he wisely never pushes the culture clash moments beyond “humorous.” The tension, both sexual and danger-oriented, is thick and palpable. The man can craft a movie, I give him that… even though I still laugh out loud when all those Amish guys come runnin’ to help out during an action scene. What the fuck are they going to do? Milk something?

How's It Look, Smartguy?
The movie is presented in 16:9 anamorphic widescreen and it’s pretty damn nice. There’s a lot of dark in this movie (“It's 4:30. Time for milking.”) yet I detected no real problems worth mentioning. For the most part, the images are pretty soft and not too, too sharp. No one will complain.

How's It Sound, Ya Bum?
You have three choices, English 5.1 Surround, English 2.0 Surround and French 2.0 Surround. Only once at the veeery beginning did the dialogue get too hot and distort but it never happened again. Other than that, everything stayed where it was supposed to. Not anything all that dynamic as far as use of the surround, but again, no one will complain.

You Think I Just Wanted The Movie, Pal?
Another “Special Collector’s Edition DVD” that isn’t all that jam-packed with stuff. A 60 minute DOCUMENTARY that can be split up in 5 parts or watched as a whole, TRAILERS and one DELETED SCENE that gave us more with that butt ugly sister but nothing added to the shower scene. Sigh.Bring Us On Home, Brother
A great movie that has already become a classic, a relaunch of an already respectable career AND a masturbation fantasy. What else can anyone ask? The best romantic/thriller/Amish movie you will ever see. Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for a young Viggo Mortensen as an Amish retard.