I like to think that there are drive-in movies for everyone. Whether you really love monster flicks, muddled romantic-comedies with no-name actors, beach movies or summer camp films, there's something out there for you. If either biker films or horror movies are your cup of tea, then you probably already know that a goldmine of titles are available. But what if you're jonesing for both? Is there a film that can satisfy your desire for horror on two-wheels? If you have to ask, maybe you should be examined by a professional for any cancers that might be developing in your head.

And that brings us to Werewolves On Wheels.

One look at the title and production year and you'll realize that Snakes On A Plane wasn't the first literally titled film to be made. One viewing of both films and you'll realize that only one of them delivers on the promise of its titular title. I don’t want to name names, but I will give you a hint: It isn’t Werewolves On Wheels.

“But it’s called Werewolves On Wheels, it must be badass!” I can hear you screaming. Dudes, don’t fucking kid yourselves, it really isn’t. Here's the story of Werewolves On Wheels: A bunch of biker-fuckheads do biker-fuckhead things. They think they're bad-asses but they're obviously no Hells Angels, unless you think switching lanes without signaling, taunting cows and shit is bad-ass. Occasionally, if they feel hardcore enough, they beat the shit out of some random schmuck that happens to cross their paths. One day, while calming down from a particularly ordinary day of debauchery (one that would have bored Alex de Large out of his goddamned mind, I assure you) they happen upon a Satanic Monastery inhabited by… you guessed it… Satanic monks.

COUNT!: Werewolves so far - 0

You might wonder what Satanic monks do. Well, I'll tell you: They do the same things that everyone who lives that far from civilization does; kill cats, eat bread, praise Satan and listen to Motörhead. The only difference between them and the rest of Alabama is that they have cool robes.

COUNT!: Werewolves so far - 0

So, when they happen upon this evil place, the monks come out of the evil church and offer the gang free bread and wine, which they eat. Of course, gifts from Satanic monks always come with a price. After the movie’s Black Mass, which looks totally improvised and about as exciting as Sunday Mass is to restless youngsters, a monk named "One" - the only monk allowed to speak - possesses the gang's only attractive female member and makes her do a naked dance (note: highlight of the movie, by FAR).

COUNT!: Werewolves so far - 0

The following day, everyone wakes up and hits the road again with “Oh, man! Wicked concert!” looks on their faces. Everything appears normal now, but while they're partying at their makeshift campsite, two members of the crew are killed (off-screen). Everyone reacts to this with “Bummer, Man” type expressions. Only Tarot, a spiritual member of the gang - though evidently not spiritual enough not to revel in the excess violence - makes the connection that they probably did something fucked up and are being punished for it. Adam, the leader of the gang, refuses to accept this.

COUNT!: Werewolves so far – 0

The next night, two more people get it. Sucks to be them, eh?

COUNT!: Werewolves so far – 0

The following day they get lost in the desert and Tarot and Adam come to blows. That night, some of them turn into werewolves. Don’t really know why.

COUNT!: Werewolves so far – a couple. Yes, they ride motorcycles.

For those who care, I am not going to explain the ending, not because I don't want to spoil it but because it's so convoluted that it defies description. Werewolves On Wheels is such a monumental waste of your time that spoiling it is irrelevant. In fact, the only praiseworthy thing in the entire film is the awesome score. Instead of discussing Werewolves On Wheels any further, I offer you a checklist of werewolf movies that you should watch instead; some good, and some not so good, but all of them actually have werewolves all throughout the film. See them, and enjoy.

Better werewolf movies:

• An American Werewolf In London
• Company Of Wolves
• The Curse Of The Queerwolf
• Ginger Snaps
• The Howling
• Teen Wolf
• Underworld
• The Wolf Man
• Wolfen

Oh yeah, and about this DVD… see it if you want to, just don't come crying to me afterwards.

The DVD Presentation
This is a really, really good presentation of a really, really bad movie. The video, while soft (it was shot on film in the early seventies, largely outside) is extremely vibrant. The colors are solid and look as good as some of the best low-budget films shot today. The audio, while only Mono, sounds very crisp. I never had any problem distinguishing dialogue, although there is a steady, subtle, “hiss.” Subtitles are included, but in English only. Bang up job from Dark Sky.

And the Extras Are?
Audio Commentary with Michel Levesque and David M. Kaufman –
A solid enough commentary. The director Michel Levesque talks quite a bit and writer David Kaufman discusses what was and was not in the original script, which was only seven pages. There is very little dead space, thanks to moderation by David Gregory of Blue Underground. Lots of questions are answered here, but you need to ask yourself if you care enough about Werewolves On Wheels to want to hear them.

Photo Gallery –
Just nine reproductions of lobby cards and movie posters. That’s it. Not much of a gallery.

Theatrical Trailers –
You get two trailers on this disc, one being the theatrical trailer for Werewolves On Wheels (0:55) which actually looks more like a TV spot. It’s 1.33:1, and the quality is terrible, but it does serve as a good example of the extensive restoration work that must have been done on the feature. The other trailer is for The Losers (1:59) which is non-anamorphic wide screen and looks to have considerably more depth than our main feature, which still isn’t much.

Radio Spots –
We get two spots here, running (0:55) and (0:30) respectively. These are actually quite fun. While the film wasn’t very exciting, they sure marketed it that way. These are great drive-in style spots, emphasizing the blood-curdling scariness that simply doesn’t exist. Worth a listen.

The Bottom Line
Don’t be fooled by the fantastic title. Werewolves On Wheels delivers very little of what it advertises. It's much more Easy Rider than it is The Howling. So if you are in the mood for a more slow, almost art house horror film, give it a shot. If not, don’t bother. If you do take the plunge though, Dark Sky has made a fantastic DVD here with solid video and audio and an appropriate amount of extras. Personally though, I would recommend you go buy MGM’s Teen Wolf/Teen Wolf Too double feature if you are looking to see werewolves do things not normally attributed to lycanthropy. They feature antics such as werewolves playing basketball and werewolves boxing. You can’t go wrong. No bikes though – sorry.