Look, I’m just as intrigued as you probably
are reading, no, not
even reading this review, but glaring at the title and the title
alone: Yo-Yo Girl Cop.
You don’t even have to
view the striking cover featuring Aya Matsuura in a Japanese
schoolgirl outfit with the background literally exploding around
her (though it helps) – Yo-Yo Girl Cop. Just
saying the name alone might elicit a giggle. Or if you’re particularly
adventurous, you might imagine Tommy Smothers decked out in
drag, beating the shit out of prison guards with his cunning use of
Walk-The-Dog (my fantasy).
The original title is less jovial. Translated into English, the film
is called Delinquent Girl Detective: Code Name = Asamiya Saki and
I’m sad to say that this title is more accurate in the long run,
as the yo-yo in Yo-Yo Girl Cop isn’t really utilized
until the final act of the film. Not to mention that Saki Is a pretty
crummy cop, too. Hell, I’ll even question the “girl” aspect
of the title as well; everybody knows Asians make the best transsexuals. You
can never be too sure of these things.
In retrospect, it’s clear that the box is trying to sucker you
in to watching Yo-Yo Cop Girl in every way imaginable.
See that “FROM THE CREATOR OF BATTLE ROYALE” tag
at the bottom of the cover? Well, just  remind yourself that Kenta Fukasaku,
director of Yo-Yo Girl Cop also wrote and directed
the criminally terrible Battle Royale II. Nearly everything about
the marketing of this film is a total bait and switch.
So, are we left with a film that’s inherently unwatachable,
leaving us burnt on the fact that we didn’t really see what we
were promised? Yes and no – P.T. Barnum might have promised Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy, but even if you saw Dog Boy up close enough to notice stage makeup and fake fur hot glued to a middle-aged alcoholic’s malformed skull, you still probably left the tent with a smile on your face. Let’s
try to lighten up; it’s a movie about a Japanese schoolgirl beating
people.
Taken in by a secret undercover police force of spooky darkness, “K” (later
renamed Saki Asamiya) is a troubled, violent youth who is sent on a
mission to infiltrate Seisen Academy, a high school hot spot for terrorist
activities that mainly concern suicide bombings. Blackmailed with the
promise of her imprisoned mother’s release, Saki reluctantly enters
the world of schoolyard bullying and sexual ambiguity (again, my fantasy).
Saki befriends social outcast and wrist cutter Tae, who reveals a story
of a friendship that eventually led to the first suicide bombing.
 All signs point to a mysterious website called Enola Gay, which incidentally
was the name of the plane that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima,
for those who like their social satire blunt and unfunny. And if Enola
Gay’s obnoxious Flash-animated introduction screen featuring an
atomic bomb dropping wasn’t sinister enough for you,the ticking
counter at the top of the page should send the hairs on the back of
your neck up in alarm. But don’t worry, Yo-Yo Girl Cop is
on the job, ready to save the day and unmask the mysterious cult figure/web
master of the Enola Gay website in a twist ending that won’t disappoint.
Mainly because you’ll be so disappointed up to that point in
the film already, that any more sub-par decisions made by the cast and
crew will just be another drop in the bucket. I mean, seriously. This
film actually features Bullet Time without a hint of irony. In 2006.
 But is there anything good to say about Yo-Yo Girl Cop?
Sure! As the movie is based solely
on the idea of a girl kickin’ stuff,
it gets an official free pass from  .
Much like a get out of jail free card in Monopoly, the Girls-Kicking-Ass
genre is cherished by my associates and myself, and we’ll defend
each film until our last dying breath, without apology or logic.
Yo-Yo Girl Cop can be considered a miniscule success,
but that’s under the condition that you don’t know the title
of the film, someone covers your eyes before the title card comes up,
and every dramatic scene (of which there are many) is fast-forwarded
through in order to get to the explodin’.
Set your expectations especially low for this one, guys.
 VIDEO QUALITY
Shot on what seems to be the most non-descript digital video
imaginable (it ain’t George Lucas, but it ain’t Lars Von
Trier, either), Yo-Yo Girl Cop is generally pleasing,
despite the film’s lack of style outside of a few artistic flourishes.
The image is virtually spotless, which means you can look at the undecorated
high school walls and think to yourself about if it’s bargain
basement art design, or if Japanese high schools are really
that bent on breaking the spirits of their students. The answer is
yes on both counts.
AUDIO QUALITY
Maybe all the money that could have been spent on visuals was sunk
into the soundtrack because the soundtrack for the film is violently active,
and I’m only equipped with a pair of headphones to listen through.
Not even a top-quality pair either, these came free with my CD player
a decade or two back. Even outside of the action scenes, each camera
move seems to come with a sound of wooshing wind coming from all sides – clearly
an attempt to create urgency in scenes that don’t have any, but
it’s appreciated. A true action mix.
 Also included is an English dub, like the Japanese track, it’s
presented in both 5.1 surround and 2.0 stereo.
EXTRAS
The only bonus feature outside of the theatrical trailer is
the documentary Yo-Yo Girl Mission, a surprisingly well-balanced
combination of interview footage, behind the scenes shots and final
film comparison. The one problem the feature really has is that Yo-Yo
Girl Mission focuses mainly on the young, nubile lady-actors and
keeps the input from director Kenta Fukasaku to a bare minimum, but
otherwise it’s a step above fluff.
OVERALL
Not meeting the expectations promised by the cover image alone (admittedly
a flawed way to judge a film), Yo-Yo Girl Cop focuses
mainly on suspense and drama, with moments of frantic violence peppered
throughout. The best way to view the film is without a pre-conceived
idea in your mind, just let everything go and you might have a bit of
fun.
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