One thing that makes a cinematic character so lovable
is their ability to figure out what’s going on on-screen before the viewer does… the ability
to deduce… to construe... to reckon. As a modest example,
I present the character of Roger in Zombi 3: Roger is a soldier
on leave who winds up in Filipino zombie hell with his friends Kenny and Bo. As
Roger and Kenny stand guard outside of a deserted resort awaiting the inevitable
zombie onslaught, the lights in an RV before them are suddenly illuminated… prompting
Roger to whisper “There’s someone in the camper.” to
Kenny.
Bravo. Well done. Congratu-fucking-lations! This
guy’s ability to fathom the obvious could show even the world’s
greatest detectives a thing or two and should also serve as an excellent
example of Things You Don’t Have Your Characters Say On-Screen
Unless You Want the Public to Think You’re a Moron.
Another important factor in character appreciation is the knack for
remaining calm and collective in a tense situation. Case in point:
after being chased by bio-suit-clad military personnel, the nerdy-looking-skinny-Dolph-Lundgren
guy in Zombi 3 sees a chicken and promptly starts chasing
it, clucking like a correctional officer’s bitchy suburban housewife. Just
as soon as he starts, a bio-suit
clad military officer discovers him
and promptly has him choking the chicken…of death!
Yes, when ambitiousness crosses into the territory of ambiguousness,
the final product is a film like Zombi 3: a movie that
comes with it’s own (implied) warning: abandon all concepts of
lucidity, switch your brain to “Off”, pour yourself a  glass
of your favorite beverage (preferably alcoholic), and… well, just enjoy the
ineptitude (it’s the only way you’ll survive this one…honest).
Back when there was no Internet for us geeks to peruse porn
and download illicit copies of motion pictures, there were a
venerable ton of fanzines for cult films out there (i.e. European
Trash Cinema, Psychotronic, Video Watchdog, etc.)
in which many bootleg ‘distributors’ advertised copies of
films that American video labels would not dare to release. It
was through such an advertisement that my love for Lucio Fulci’s
original masterpiece Zombie (a.k.a. Zombi 2)
came to pass. When I saw that the much-awaited follow-up, Zombi
3 was available through a mail order company, I rushed to
the post office and sent off a money order (certified mail, of course). Weeks
later (ah, those were the weeks… er, um days), several
VHS cassettes showed up in our very large mailbox (I’m not kidding
either: that thing was big), Zombi 3 being one of them. I
anxiously loaded the tape into the VCR and prepared myself for another
Fulci gorefest. As I sat there… well, actually, I was lying
 on my bed so I should say, “lay there”… or is it “lie there”? Damn
it, I always forget with that one… As I sat there watching
this less-than-spectacular (read: Italian) feature complete with Japanese
subtitles, one question and one question alone popped in my
head: “This is Fulci?”
As I and a great deal of others would later find out, no, it was not Fulci…at
least, not entirely. Fulci signed on to direct the movie, but
left the production due to health concerns (some stories cite him as
having suffered a stroke while others claim he couldn’t stand
working with the “cretins” he was with), so Second Director
Bruno Mattei and writer Claudio Fragasso jumped in the director’s
chair and began yelling “Azione!” using a portion
of Fulci’s footage and combining it with new scenes of their own.
 The result is a melding mess that only Godfrey Ho could be proud of.
Our story begins… no, “story” is too gentle of a
word… The flick begins with Dr. Holder (Filipino
B-Movie regular Robert Marius) working on some bio-chemical called “Death
1” (oooh, I’m getting a rush already). The doc tries
his new formula out on a dead Filipino kid whose face promptly turns
into a rubber mask with a hand behind it (I think it is safe to say
at this point that “Death 1” shall not be labeled as a success
and that “Death 2” should be in the works pretty
darn soon).
 “Death 1” presents no danger to the surrounding community
whatsoever. The undisclosed, unnamed facility that concocted “Death
1” has done so in a controlled environment. They are backed
by an efficient government and employ completely competent security
guards at every entrance by the good men and women of the military’s
scientific research program. In fact, the only way “Death
1” could turn into a ghastly epidemic that would completely “bring
about the end of humanity” would be if, for no apparent reason
mind you, some terrorist/hijacker-type guy shot down the guards, stole
a container with “Death 1” in it, got infected, died, and
his body was burned by the military causing his infected ashes to contaminate
the birds in the air. Then, the birds would have to attack passing
motorists (on the ground, of course), infecting them with the
virus, who would in turn infect and eat each other and, before you can
say “Turn this shit off!” - whoop, there it is:
Armageddon.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, that’s precisely what
happens in Zombi 3?
 Crappy acting, dreadful special defects, hand-puppet birds,
bio-suit-clad military personnel right out of George A. Romero’s The
Crazies, the obvious thievery of scenes from several other
zombie movies (such as The Return Of The Living Dead),
the birth of a zombie baby, a flying zombie head in the fridge (the
two latter items would later be ripped-off/paid homage to in the 2004
remake of Dawn Of The Dead), a blind zombie DJ, a few
very atmospheric scenes, an extremely quick-moving bald hunchback zombie
armed with a machete (years before I Am Legend or the Resident
Evil movies would receive praise for utilizing lively revivals),
and a great score by Stefano Mainetti are just some of the
highlights in Zombi 3! From the outrageous opening
to the final frame of embarrassed actress-turned-graphic-designer Beatrice
Ring set to the strained, feline-in-pain-like vocal quality of Clue
In The Crew’s lead singer during the closing song, Zombi
3 is a wonder to behold from our friends in both Italy and
the Philippines.
 Robert Altman’s nephew, future television director Deran Sarafian,
stars as hero Kenny (and he looks really fucking bored throughout). Ottaviano
Dell’Acqua (the famous worm-faced member of the living dead who
adorned practically all artwork from Fulci’s Zombie and
is the second-most-recognized reanimated corpse in the world, right
behind Bill Hinzman) plays Roger (under his anglicized alias, Richard
Raymond). Massimo Vanni, using his International pseudonym,
Alex McBride, co-stars as Bo (who, at one point, leaps off of a balcony
into the water in what has to be the most non-manly jump in
cinematic history).
Two of my favorite lines in this film are uttered by the same (bad)
actor (who is not credited) playing Beatrice Ring’s on-screen
boyfriend: upon discovering the as-yet-not-reanimated-birds on the ground,
he says “Looks like some hunter’s gone crazy!” Later,
the now-infected dolt cries out “I’m feeling better Patricia,
but I’m thirsty… for your blood!” in a scene that
always gets me giggling like a little girl (I would later use that bit
of dialogue as the basis of a song called “Blood!” from
my zombie musical).
 Presentation
Shriek Show gives us an uncut print of Zombi 3 with
a wonderful-looking transfer of the oft-fuzzy film taken directly from
an original Italian 35mm inter-negative. The opening of the film
was only available from Japanese video prints, so that portion of the
DVD is taken from a 1-inch master made anamorphic by the “Crystal“ process… which
has something to do with meth, I believe.
OK, it was a bad joke… but aren’t you glad I didn’t
say “Crystal Method”?
Sometimes, I wish that I still had my old VHS dupe: I miss those Japanese
subtitles. The movie feels naked without them.
Extras
For your viewing pleasure, Shriek Show/Media Blasters has included
a handful of extras: there’s a small Gallery which gives you a
look at some video covers and several Italian Photobustas (lobby
posters), three Trailers for other Shriek Show releases (Spasmo,
Joe D‘Amato’s Beyond The Darkness, and
Fulci’s House Of Clocks), the Theatrical Trailer
for Zombi 3, and several Interviews: first off is writer/director
Claudio Fragasso (who, as my fiancée pointed out, looks like
an Italian Oliver Hardy) in which he talks about the movie, etc. (19:02),
next is director Bruno Mattei (10:15), followed by actors Ottaviano
Dell’Acqua and Massimo Vanni (7:04) and finally, actress Marina
Loi (6:31) who plays a character named Carole in the film (she’s
the chick who gets her legs eaten off in the pool to you film fans). Her
interview is filmed in what looks like a small pub…and a bottle
of J&B Scotch (which can be seen in nearly every Italian
film from the 60s to the 80s) is visible in the back. All four
interviews discuss the production, Fulci, Mattei, etc. and are very
informative. The DVD cover claims that there are Talent Bios included
on the disc, but they are nowhere to be found. I have also heard
that there was an Audio Commentary available for this film…the
DVD I own makes no mention of such, but perhaps there was a re-issue?
The Bottom Line
¼ Crème de Fulci
½ Mattei Schnapps
½ Fragasso Amaretto
Add splash of Lime Juice
Shake well, serve over ice
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